Before I get started I have a VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE for all of you. Well, actually it’s for those of you in the local area from Cleveland to Pittsburgh… I’ve discovered the ultimate bacon at Giant Eagle! Among the many varieties they offer, one is their own brand. It’s a thick sliced peppered bacon! While some brands have shrunk their packages to as little as 12 ozs, Giant Eagles comes as a 24 oz. package. That’s a POUND AND A HALF for you democrats! 17 thick slices!
Also, I no longer fry bacon; I bake it! Try this: Line a cookie sheet (that has sides, dems!) with aluminum foil. Lay the bacon on the sheet (you may have to overlap it a bit to fit it all, but that’s okay). Put it in the oven AND THEN turn the oven up to 400 degrees (you don’t preheat when baking bacon). Depending on the thickness of the bacon it’ll take anywhere from 20-30 minutes to cook. This thick sliced Giant Eagle bacon takes thirty minutes. At the 15 minute mark I remove the pan, un-overlap the bacon, and put it in for another 15 minutes. Simply. Delightful!!!
It takes some adjusting to get it perfect, depending on your oven and, like I said, the thickness of the bacon, but once you get it down, you’ll never wanna fry bacon again!
Now that I’ve made you hungry, guess I’ll make ya horny too!
Here are today’s NFL Divisional matchups!
Representing the AFC we have the Baltimore Ravens…
…at the Denver Broncos…
I’m going with Denver on this one. Look at the position, and the boots, the Broncos cheerleaders are utilizing. I mean… WOW!
Also, Peyton Manning and the rest of the Broncos offense are nearly unstoppable. They go into that no huddle, hurry up shotgun offense and opposing defenses just can’t keep up!
Even that tough Ravens D will get shredded today. All the emotion from Ray Lewis retiring won’t be enough to slow down Manning. Today will be Ray Ray’s last game.
And Joe Flacco can’t hide his douchebaggery two weeks in a row. Anquan Boldin saved his ass last week. Denver’s D won’t allow that to happen.
I say: Denver 34 ~ Baltimore 17
Tonight’s NFC matchup is the Green Bay Packers….
… at the San Francisco 49ers…
I see Green Bay winning this one. HA! You thought I was only gonna base my picks on the teams’ cheerleaders, didn’t you? Well Green Bay doesn’t even have cheerleaders, so I had to picture QB Aaron Rodgers frolicking with his girlfriend, Destiny (There’s a stripper name!) Newton.
A quick thought on cheerleaders in the NFL. 26 of the 32 teams have cheerleaders; that’s 81%. Is it any wonder that 87% of the teams still alive in the playoffs have cheerleaders? NO! Cheerleaders are absolutely necessary for a team to be successful. Am I contradicting myself by saying that Green Bay will be successful without cheerleaders? ABSOLUTELY. I’m hoping my Browns finally get some cheerleaders! The new owner keeps talking about putting a good product on the field for the fans to watch. I can’t imagine they’re talking about the team!
I believe this might be the best game of the weekend. Gonna be pretty close in my opinion. The difference in this game will be the Packers defense. If they can shut down Frank Gore, like they did Adrian Peterson last week, and force Colin Kaepernick to throw the ball…. game over.
Green Bay also has so many damn ways to move the ball, I see them wearing down San Fran’s D.
I say: Green Bay 37 ~ San Francisco 34
Tomorrow’s early game, the NFC matchup, features the Seattle Seahawks…
… at the Atlanta Falcons…
Seahawks all the way! Loogit them cheerleaders!
The tandem of Seattle QB Russell Wilson and RB Marshawn Lynch will make the difference in this game. The read-option shit is awesome and will give the weak Falcon’s D fits.
If Seattle’s D can rattle Matt Ryan a bit, he’ll choke again. The dual threat of Roddy White and Julio Jones will mean nothing. Falcon’s RB Michael Turner is a fat tub of goo and will be a non factor.
I say: Seattle 24 ~ Atlanta 14
The AFC matchup tomorrow is the Houston Texans…
… at the New England Patriots…
GOD I despise tom Brady. He’s the whiniest QB in the history of the league. Even if a defender merely brushes up against him, he cries for a flag.
It’s no wonder that his horse faced “supermodel” wife looks more manly than he does.
That was rude of me to say… Only her horse face is more manly, because Gisele Bundchen has other ASSets…
Oops! I almost forgot I was talking about football games here…
As much as I hate to do it, I gotta go with New England winning this one…
Like the Packers, New England has too many ways to move the ball for Houston to hang in there. Ridley runs pretty well, then they use that little douche Danny Woodhead pretty effectively. As for throwing, Brady is the master! He throws to so many targets; Welker, Lloyd, the TEs Gronkowski & Hernandez (if Hernandez is limited, look for a big game by TE Michael Hoomanawanui), and that little douche Woodhead!
For Houston, Matt Shaub really only has one clear target; WR Andre Johnson. If the Pats can shut him down, I don’t see the Texans having much of a chance.
I expect Texans RB Arian Foster to have a good game, both running and receiving. Did you guys know Foster is a vegan? That means he’s definitely taking HGH! Nobody maintains that much muscle mass by eating dandelions…
I say: Patriots 41 ~ Texans 17
This is the only of my picks in which I’ll be rooting against the eventual winner. I do not want the Pats to win and will be rooting for the Texans. I’m just being realistic with my pick.
Alright… this IS Sexy Saturday, so here are my inclusions for the ladies and men who like men…
49ers QB Colin Kaepernick…
Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski…
And a Tom Brady slideshow!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks! Go Broncos! Go Packers! Go Seahawks! Go Texans!
For Shiggles 