Yes… That title should be read as “Moron Neighbors.” The other day I talked a little bit about my current neighbors. That got me thinking about my previous neighbors from when I was married… before I moved.
Hoo boy… there’s no comparison! I believe my old neighbors are the worst possible people anyone could live next to… IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE BEING NEIGHBORS!
When we first moved in, the neighbors on both sides seemed pretty cool. They came over and introduced themselves and seemed genuinely happy to have us there, as the house had been vacant for quite some time and the previous owners were a bit crazy, so we were told.
To the east was a young family with two young children and a couple dogs… same as us! Obviously we had lots in common with them. To the west was an older couple, mid 50s in age; no kids, no pets. Nothing at all in common. But they were nice to us when we moved in!
It was all a front…. turned out they were STRAIGHT FROM HELL!
Early on, they were clearly agitated whenever there was any activity that involved us and the kids or the dogs. It was like we were too loud… but we weren’t! They didn’t say anything; it was just their body language, the head shaking, the staring & the dirty looks.
Typically, the day following one of their grumpy moods they would be all smiles and waving. Weird, right?
We had this huge willow tree in the back yard. One day, they called me over to the fence and asked if I could remove one of the branches from it because it dropped leaves in their yard. No problem, took care of it for them. Heck, we eventually cut the whole tree down.
And the fence issues…. oh this part is great! Apparently they didn’t want to see us, our evil children or our vicious canines. They had a chain link fence, so at one point Mr. Meanie went to Home Depot and picked up a bunch of rolls of six foot tall bamboo… I don’t know… “screen?” He zip tied this stuff onto the entire length of fence bordering our yard. It looked absolutely horrendous! And you could still see through it so he zip tied a blue tarp to a ten foot section of the bamboo stuff. That’s where they put their two chairs and little table so they could relax… right up against the fence… on the side of the neighbors that they clearly don’t like!!
Oh yeah! They have a second story deck on the back of their house. So if they wanted to keep an eye on US they would sit on the deck, which overlooks the bamboo monstrosity and our back yard. Nice, huh?
Well, the bamboo stuff didn’t handle the elements too well, so Mr. & Mrs. Jackass decided to upgrade to a real privacy fence. Well, sort of real… It was the cheapest they could get!
The first stage of construction was, obviously, tear down of the existing chain link fence. I sure am glad Mr. & Mrs. Asshole didn’t let us know when this first stage would begin! I came home for lunch one day and, as was normal, let the dogs out in the back yard. But the fence was gone! There was nothing separating our vicious canines from the neighbor’s yard. Luckily, the dogs didn’t notice the lack of fence and I was able to gather them up before they ran next door to KILL!
The second stage of construction was bringing in the materials for the fence. I got home from work that day to find a couple of ruts in my front yard. Nothing major, very slight damage, but still…. I worked hard to make that yard look like a golf course! When transporting the materials from the truck to their back yard, the workers drove the Bobcat through our front yard! I was pretty pissed, so I marched next door to ask why this happened. Mrs. Bitch answered the door… and she was WASTED… at like 5:15 on a Wednesday afternoon! See, these two always had red Solo cups in their hands. Never thought much of it… but when she answered the door, cup in hand and the scent of booze blasted me in the face, I got it! I think they drink ALL the time! Anyway, she slurred something about not knowing they drove through my yard (which is bullshit, because these people watch everything) and may have hissed an apology, but I was no longer paying attention. I wasn’t gonna argue with a drunk. These two would fit perfectly into Toby Keith’s new video, Red Solo Cup! Or maybe not… they aren’t happy drunks!
This is getting wordy, so I must switch to bullet points to list the rest of the assholery!
- We caught him spraying water at and taunting our Basset/Chow mutt.
- He’s told our girls that they can’t ride their bikes on the sidewalk in front of his house.
- She’s told our girls that they installed cameras that are watching them all the time.
- He was drunkenly yelling about calling the fire department because we were making s’mores in our little chiminea.
- He warned me about how much work pools are, while I was doing the excavation so we could install our pool.
- They asked Alexis & myself not to throw the football around in the common area (read:not our property, the city’s) behind our yards because we’d scare off the little yellow birds from the bird feeder.
- (I know it’s illegal to have fireworks in Brunswick) He would call the police if anyone in the vicinity shot off fireworks before, during or after July 4th. Even a smoke bomb!
- Whenever we had people over, whether it was a first communion party, birthday party or just a decent amount of people over, he’d cut his grass!
Here’s where Mr. & Mrs. Idiot have pissed me off the most. Since I moved out they’ve been worse to my ex-wife and my daughters.
- They called the cops because Brookie threw a rock and it ended up in their yard.
- He stares at my girls when they’re in the pool (this is borderline him getting hurt by me).
- He’s called the cops because Dina (my ex) was cutting the grass at like 8:00 in the evening (heck, in the summer and when there was enough daylight, I’d be cutting the grass at close to 10:00 some nights).
- Someone egged their house (when the girls were here with me) and he blames my girls. I believe he called the cops about that too!
- He either raked or blew his leaves into Dina’s front yard this past fall.
- There was a weedwacking incident in which she was hit by something (remember, they sit in their chairs right up against the fence) and wanted Dina to pay medical bills. That bitch wasn’t hurt!
- They will stare at my girls when they’re getting on or off the bus, playing with their friends, you name it!
And whenever they see me, they smile and wave like we’re best friends. Apparently they don’t know that I hear about all this stuff.