AHHHHHHH! We’re All Gonna Die From This Global Warming That’s Going On Right Now!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a climate scientist. I’m a software salesman. But just like climate scientists,we salesmen love numbers… and making those numbers bigger.

The difference between a climate scientist and a salesman?

A climate scientist has to consistently manipulate data to produce desired results so governments will keep pumping money into their “research” and, effectively, their livelihood.

A salesman has to consistently produce desired results so their employer will keep pumping money into their checking account.

We’re not all that different, actually…. except that we salesmen are WAY more honest!

If: a=b and b=c then Greg = climate scientist!

Remember… climate scientists  take a slice of information from a specific period of time and then apply any trends they see into the past and, more horrifyingly, into the future!

So I did a little math/science air temperature exercise for the day that is 3/21/2012 (these numbers are only for Brunswick, OH… but any good climate scientist will take their findings and make projections that will potentially affect the entire planet)

Brace yourselves…. because my findings are terrifying…. or not…

March 21st, 2012

Time: :051 am… Temperature: 66 degrees

Time: 7:51 am… Temperature: 60 degrees

Six degree decrease in seven hours?? If that “current trend” continues, the air temperature in Brunswick will be a slightly chilly -78 degrees by next Wednesday… clearly an ice age is on it’s way and humans will cease to exist in Brunswick.

BUT! There was a sunrise that messed everything up! And eight hours later…

Time: 2:51 pm… Temperature: 82 degrees

Holy shit! Quit driving your SUVs people! A twenty two degree increase in seven hours?

Dear God…. if THAT trend continues we’re talking four hundred sixty eight degrees (468!) next week in Brunswick. I’m not so sure my air conditioning will be able to keep up. Al Gore said WE’RE ALL GONNA BURN UP AND DIE! He and his movie MUST be right…Right??

BUT! The sun dipping below the horizon tonight actually decreased the air temperature.

I enjoy illustrating the absurd with absurdity… Just like my boy Rush Limbaugh does! This is what I have done here!

The above average temperatures we’re currently experiencing are not because of global warming, but merely because of cyclical weather patterns.

I did some real lazy research and found that what we’re experiencing is the effects of La Nina or El Nino  or Beef Nacho Cheese Chalupas combined with other jet stream stuff. All of which may or may not be attributed to global warming. Nobody knows.

We as humans are just a minor blip on the radar of this planet. We’re just along for the ride… Yeah, we can hug the trees and recycle and drive stupid little electric cars.

Ultimately, though, this rock we call home has been here for over 4.5 billion years and it’ll wipe us out and continue on for another 4.5 billion years without us even making a dent. It happened to the dinosaurs, previous civilizations.. and it’ll happen to us.

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