“Hey Cletus…. Danica Patrick Done Did Crashed Agiiin!”

Well… she hasn’t yet, but that’s what I’m expecting tonight. In order to continue my diligent research of Danica and her inevitable exit from stock car racing, I had to buy a race on pay per view! Tonight I’m watching the 8th annual “Prelude to the Dream” dirt track race that takes place at Eldora Speedway in tropical Rossburg, Ohio.

Why would I pay $35 to watch a bunch of hilljacks drive in circles on a track made of mud?

First of all, when I have a chance to help others, I take it. This race is ran for charity, not profit… from the event’s website:

The Annual Prelude to the Dream event has commited over $3.5 million dollars to various charities in its first seven years.  The HBO Pay-Per-View portion of the event has allowed Eldora Speedway to commit the net proceeds of the PPV subscriptions to the charitable organizations.  The first four events (2005-2008) raised money for the Victory Junction Gang Camp.  The beneficiaries for the 2009 event were four military themed organizations:  Fisher House, Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, Operation Homefront and Wounded Warrior Project.  The 2010 and 2011 events partnered with children’s hospitals:  Cincinnati Children’s, Levine Children’s Hospital, Riley Hospital for Children, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta, Children’s Medical Center Dallas and St. Louis Children’s Hospital.

The 2012 Prelude to the Dream will support Feed The Children.

Secondly, these people are not hilljacks… they’re athletes. Drivers invited to this event are some of the best in their respective sports… NASCAR, NHRA (Whoa! drag racers don’t even turn!), those silly little go karts they call Indy cars and dirt sprint cars.

Third, they don’t drive in circles. No motorsports take place on a circle. Get your geometry straight, knuckleheads!

Lastly, the racing surface technically isn’t dirt or mud, but clay (but I’ll call it dirt because that’s the universally accepted term on these types of tracks)!

I’m sort of excited to watch this race. I haven’t watched dirt track racing in forever! Like I said, I know Danica will crash… she’s never raced on dirt. She was invited only to increase viewership! I’m fine with that; she clearly doesn’t mind being whored out… and since it’s for charity? Even better!

I introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s participants….

Justin Allgaier of NASCAR:

Aric Almirola:

Dave Blaney:

Clint Bowyer:

Kurt Busch:

Kyle Busch:

Not pictured: Kyle Busch, but his wife, Samantha Sarcinella!

Ron Capps (NHRA!):

Austin Dillon:

Ty Dillon:

Bill Elliott:

Ray Evernham:

Not pictured: Ray Evernham, but Shawna Robinson… the driver he had sex with…

David Gilliland:

Jimmie Johnson:

Kasey Kahne:

The ladies seem to like this kid…

Tony Kanaan (Indy go karts):

This dude’s like a cross between Vin Diesel and Borat!

Steve Kinser (dirt sprint cars):

Bobby Labonte:

Jason Leffler:

WTF???

Ryan Newman:

Flyin’ Ryan!

Danica Patrick (swimsuit model):

Not pictured: Danica Patrick, but Brooklyn Decker and her 2nd place ass!

Cruz Pedregon (NHRA!):

Donny Schatz (dirt sprint cars):

Donny’s the ’15’ car that clearly pointed in the wrong direction.

Kenny Schrader:

Tony Stewart:

At least he put on Old Spice this morning!

Kenny Wallace:

I love Kenny…. he will live forever because he’s always laughing!

J.J. Yeley (real name: Christopher Beltram Hernandez. I see the connection!):

Okay! Gonna go watch this race!!!

Stay tuned!

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