It’s, not surprisingly, quite easy for me to write about Kate Upton’s boobs or NASCAR. However…
“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” ~ Stephen King via ‘Different Seasons’.
My “secret heart is buried” near wherever my children are.
But it ain’t easy!
Over the last eighteen months or so, there have been numerous challenges between myself and my eldest daughter, Alexis. Alexis is 15. I understand that children, at some point, think that the worst part of their lives is their parents. Their friends are their world. I lived that… I get that..
Lately, however, we have been drifting apart. Of course we talk about stuff; just not the important stuff. Our lines of communication had fractured. She has blasted me on twitter; I pushed back. I have punished her for various infractions; she pushed back.
Yesterday, Alexis and I met with the counselor she has been seeing. Shame on me for not attending all of the sessions that have taken place over the last few months. In my defense, I knew not of most sessions until shortly before them and couldn’t coordinate leaving work to be there with her. For her. Moving forward this will not be the case.
I truly believe that yesterday was sort of an awakening for both of us. We need to talk with each other. We will talk with each other. We’ll hammer out this hard stuff and we’ll continue to laugh our asses off about the light stuff.
But you know what?
When you slip up and I tell you I’m disappointed; that’s a good thing, Alexis. I have this unconditional love for you. You’re gonna screw up… and so am I. We’re human, there’s no perfection here.
If I didn’t care I’d never be disappointed in you.
You want to have people in your life who CARE enough to have high expectations of you.
The ones who have no expectations do not care.
It’s funny, perhaps, that I couldn’t have written this post without the help of my best friend, Diane. I lean on her, prolly way too much, when I’m all torn up. She keeps me grounded and sane, prolly more than she knows.
Last night we talked for a while on the phone, about all of the above, and it helped me settle down and sleep well too. That is a gift that most people don’t have. She is a gift and it kills me that we can’t be together on a regular basis. Someday I hope?
I love you Alexis. And I love your sisters…. and I love you Diane for keeping us all together!
Hug your children and love them every day!