Dear Katie Holmes,

I understand you served Tom Cruise with divorce papers. Good for you!

Whew… that guy’s a nut! But I assume you know that already…

I am now hearing rumors that getting away from Zoltaire and the rest of Scientology, Inc. might be difficult for you; I’ve heard things about alien spies. I fear for your safety, and for Suri’s safety.

The best thing you and Suri can do right now is go into hiding, and I’ve got just the place for you!

My townhouse!

You’ll only be a couple hours away from your hometown of Toledo; and an arms length from my heart!

I do have to warn you, however, that I am a fan of your soon-to-be ex husband’s early work. I often refer to hookers named Lana, feel the need for speed and realize that rubbin’s racin’. I’ve been told I enjoy watching men play beach volleyball…. seriously, though, IT’S SLIDER, how could you not?? I’ll certainly correct all these habits should you come stay with us.

I have three daughters that will keep Suri occupied while I keep you hidden from danger (In all the years I’ve lived here in Brunswick, I’ve never seen a UFO); and I’ll help you find the old Katie who captured my heart so many years ago.

Anyway, please consider my offer.

XOXO,

Greg

PS. Katie…. You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’… let’s find it together!

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