Hey Cletus, “How’s come dey all pist off?” Week 26 NASCAR Update!

Because it’s Bristol baby! All the drivers get pissed at Bristol because it’s a crazy, tiny little .533 mile oval in which bouncing off other cars is the norm!

This weekend featured the night races at Bristol for the top two NASCAR series. What makes night racing so cool? Because it’s dark! Seriously, though, the drivers seem to race with more intensity for night races… especially Bristol!

Friday night, the Nationwide Series raced. It started off in normal Bristol fashion… I think it was on the third lap that Austin Dillon turned Justin Allgaier into the wall. It looked intentional to me. Then Allgaier gets all pissed off and tries to chase down Dillon, under caution, and he wrecks again… Cracked me up!

Austin finished fourth! I believe it was his twelfth top five of the season! It was… I just scrolled down to my stats!

And Danica? Danica. Patrick. Sucks. She is a terrible racecar driver. I’m so sick of the media calling her a superstar. She won one race in those big ass go-karts she used to race; and she won it on fuel mileage… not racing to the stripe. The theme this past week has been about her bad luck. She doesn’t have bad luck… she can’t drive a car. So she hit a shoe last week and her car went to shit. Maybe it was the shoe but maybe it was her shittyness too!

Don’t get me wrong, Danica is a fantastic swimsuit model. Pick the career that works for you girl! I don’t care if all of your future photo shoots feature you in a bright green bikini with websites plastered all over your ass!

Don’t let Danica’s numbers from Friday night fool you. She started 34th and just hung in the back while drivers got spun out in what seemed to be 1,273 cautions. Technically she passed those spun out cars, but it wasn’t because she was racin’ ’em. Danica finished 9th… of 16 cars that finished on the lead lap. Again, she is terrible and if she had a penis her sponsors would’ve pulled their cash long ago.

Joey Logano won the Friday night race and good for him as it was his sixth win of the Nationwide season.

Just remember…. the savings you experience at Dollar General help to fund a multi million dollar race team. Yay capitalism!

I did not watch last night’s Sprint Cup race in it’s entirety. A couple weeks ago I was talked into joining a fantasy football league… that was drafting at 7:30 9:30 last night. Long story short… a good amount of douchebaggery ensued when the draft started. I bowed out, was called a crybaby and then last night & again this morning my intelligence was called into question. Lesson learned. Don’t play fantasy football with douchebags.

I grabbed my five year old sweetie and we went to bed. I turned on the race but quickly fell asleep.

At one point I woke up to see a, yet another, smashed up GoDaddy racecar. I figured it was just a Danica Patrick highlight reel and went back to sleep.

Turns out that Danica crashed last night. Again. Regan Smith nudged her, and, in normal Danica fashion she crashed hard into the wall after barely trying to save it.

She made the point that she was angry at Regan by waving her finger at him as he passed by. Oooooh scary!

Did you know that in four Sprint Cup races Danica has an average 37th start and 32nd finish?… out of 43 cars! She’s also won $542,000 in prize money in those four races. Obama needs to do something about that!

Anyway, Dale Earnhardt finished twelfth and Denny Hamlin won the race….

….after a heated battle with my boy Carl Edwards, in which Carl ran out of gas… How do you screw up so much to run out of gas at Bristol? I need to be Carl’s crewchief! Starting next week!

Late in last night’s race the always chubby Tony Stewart tangled with soon to be Toyota traitor Matt Kenseth. Matt slid up into Tony’s car in what was normal Bristol contact. What does fatty fat fat do? He turns hard into Kenseth and wrecks ’em both. Check it out…

I bet Tony Stewart’s fantasy football league is as exciting as the one I pulled out of last night!

Numbers after week 26:

Austin:

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
23 1 12 17 9.0 8.0

Dale…

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
24 1 10 16 14.8 9.9

Danica… (Not pictured…. Here’s Kelly Brook. I have no clue who she is or what she does. But her boobs are real! Expect a Kelly Brook Sexy Saturday very soon!)

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
23 0 0 2 15 20.8

Hug your children and love them every day

Related Posts:

Week twenty four/twenty five combo
Week twenty three
Week twenty two
Week twenty one
Week twenty
Week nineteen
Week eighteen
Week seventeen
Week sixteen
Week fifteen
Week fourteen
Week thirteen
Week twelve
Week eleven
Week ten 

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