It was September 26th, 1993. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and some friends, drinkin’ some beers. Life couldn’t have been simpler; go to work, hang out with friends, rinse.. repeat!
Even though I was 20, because I lived at my Mom’s at the time, I had a loose sort of curfew; so I had to get home.
I parked the car on the street and was walking up the driveway when I heard the most blood curdling scream I’d ever heard. It was my younger sister, Kathy, screaming. Now Kathy was, and still is, way over dramatic. I figured she saw a spider or something… like a big one!
But this scream was different… it wasn’t Kathy’s usual acting… it sounded painful… and as I opened the door, I heard my Mom sobbing… My first thought was, “What now… what could be this bad?”
It was the worst possible scenario: Mom and Kathy had just gotten word, via my Dad, that my older sister, Michelle, had taken her own life.
I’ve never recovered from that night… See, Michelle had been bugging me to come out to Beale Air Force Base, where she was living at the time, for awhile. I was too involved with my friends to spend my money to fly out to CA to hang out with my sister. Had I gone out there, would things have been different? Would she still be alive?
Every. Fucking. Day… I struggle with the answers to those questions.
So when I stumble across stuff about suicide, it hits me in the chest like a ton of bricks. The following commentary was shared by someone on Facebook. It really touched me. If I knew who the original author was I’d give them credit, but I’ve no clue who they are.
This is clearly written to teenagers, but the basic concept is that you need to realize how many people are affected by you and care about you.
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time.
A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that, “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.”
Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying.
The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves.
Your teachers think they were too hard on you.
Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you.
That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are.
Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school.
Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late.
And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out.
It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying.
Your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him.
Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days.
It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their jobs. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression.
Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…
Your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide.
Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day.
People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, i’m here for you.
Life isn’t that bad people, and this life is short enough… let alone considering shortening it even more. I know that everyone thinks that their problems are worse than anyone else’s. You’re not the only one struggling with life, trust me.
I’ve provided a ‘contact me’ page on here for a reason. If ya need help, let me know… chances are I can’t help you, but I’ll certainly put you in contact with someone who can…
Do me a favor… share the shit out of this! Re-blog it… copy and paste it… but, at the very least, put it in front of people, people who may think there’s no one that cares…