The Browns Locker Room Gets a Surprise Visitor!

Location: Cleveland Browns locker room after their 7-6 win over the Chargers.

Coach Shurmer: Someone turn up the thermostat, it’s chilly in here…

Colt McCoy: (scrambling towards the thermostat) Got it coach!

Coach Shurmer: Aww man, hey… Fellas! How ‘bout that defense?

The Cleveland Browns: (cheering and clapping)

Coach Shurmer: For all the people that like to watch people play defense, you guys did a hell of a job! To keep them out of the endzone? I don’t care what the conditions, to keep them outta the endzone that’s impressive as hell!


The Cleveland Browns: (sort of clapping)

Coach Shurmer: I’ll tell ya what… it was fun to watch y’all play. It was fun, and enjoyable, to come outta this thing with a victory.

You guys earned it; it was hard fought. It wasn’t pretty in a lot of ways but that’s okay.

There are no ugly victories!

So enjoy this feeling as we get ready to play our next one, ya got that?

I’m proud of ya, ’cause ya embraced the process, ya practiced great, ya came out here and we did what we had to do to win a game… and that’s a credit to you guys.

We got a couple game balls to give away here…

(soft knock on locker room door)

Coach Shurmer: Hey Colt, go see who that is…

Colt McCoy: Oh okay…you know I can’t reach the doorknob, coach…

Coach Shurmer: Dammit, Colt, answer the door! You can do it! Stand on your tippy toes!

Colt McCoy: (stretching to reach doorknob) My dad’s gonna be mad at you for saying that!

(Colt gets door open)

Enter Randolph D. Lerner…

Randy Lerner: Oh hello, gentlemen… nice match on the pitch today.

The Cleveland Browns: (awkward silence)

Trent Richardson: Tha fuck is that? And tha fuck he just say?

D’Qwell Jackson: That’s Randy Lerner, Trent. He owned the team until last week, when Mr. Haslam took over. He’s speaking soccer.

Randy Lerner: Don’t you mean English football, D’Quain?

D’Qwell Jackson: Aww man… I told you before, it’s D’QWELL! and that shit ain’t football…..

Randy Lerner: Hush hush, D’Quain. My Aston Villa Football Club is an elite squad, quite unlike what I see here before me.

D’Qwell Jackson: (approaching Lerner) Aight! Shit’s ’bout to get real! I’m ’bout to choke you with that silly little scarf, Mr. Lerner. You don’t come in here and disrespe…..

Coach Shurmer: (grabs D’Qwell to restrain him) WHOA! Hold up D’Qwell…

D’Qwell Jackson: Nah, coach, this little guy has the nerve to come into our house and disrespect us after a win over the Chargers I’m beatin’ his litt…

Randy Lerner: (pointing at coach Shurmer) Silence! You just called that man coach? Who are you and what have you done with Eric Mangini? I hand picked Mangini and wanted to stop by today to bid him farewell.

Coach Shurmer: I’m Pat Shurmer, head coach. This organization bid farewell to Mr. Mangini after the 2010 season. He was a terrible coach; played loud music at practice and made the guys run laps if they screwed up. We don’t do that any more and are much better off…. er… forget that. What can we do for you?

Randy Lerner (exiting locker room): That was it. I wanted to bid farewell to Eric, as I miss him so. He was a fantastic coach, I think, though I’m not sure because I’m not into American football. Anyway, I have to catch a flight to England in a bit, so perhaps I’ll be going. Good luck, gentlemen and cheerio!

The Cleveland Browns: (awkward silence)

Coach Shurmer: That was weird fellas, amiright? Anyway, like I said, got game balls to give away here…

(locker room door flies open ~ knocks Colt McCoy off milk crate he’s standing on to see over Brandon Weeden)

Enter Jimmy Haslam III

Jimmy Haslam: Sorry Colt! Told ya not to put your step stool so close to the door!

The Cleveland Browns: (entire locker room erupts into cheers, clapping and chanting SPEECH! SPEECH!)

Coach Shurmer: We gotta new owner, Jimmy Haslam, this game ball’s for you!

(throws ball across locker room, bounces off Greg Little’s hands and into Jimmy Haslam’s)


Jimmy Haslam: (has hardon) Great, great win! Great job! Outstanding, OUTSTANDING!

I’ll tell ya… It was not the prettiest win, right Joe (Haden)?

Joe Haden: Nah, man!

Jimmy Haslam: (rubbing crotch) But a wins a win! It was a great win and good teams find a way to win at the end. And that’s what we did.

We held tough and Buster (Skrine)… great play there at the end! Great job but lets don’t be satisfied! What’d Pat talk after the first game? Gotta be what, Pat?

Coach Shurmer: Gotta be GREEDY!

Jimmy Haslam: (grabs dick) Now I’m not happy with just two wins, are you Sheldon (Brown)?  So let’s get number three next week! Great job and enjoy this night! Where’s the lavatory in here?

So there ya have it… the difference between a Browns owner who was indifferent about being the owner, and one who is clearly excited to own this legendary franchise.


~ G

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