Ladies and Gentlemen… The New Face of NASCAR Is….

As I mentioned earlier, since Dale Earnhardt passed away in 2001, NASCAR has been feverishly searching for the new face of the sport. Naturally, one would expect that to be a successful driver, most likely someone who’s won at least one championship, right? They have failed thus far…

Why have they failed? I have no idea, maybe I’ll figure it out as I go here. First, I want to look at some of the big names who could’ve been that driver; the face of NASCAR, and my reasons for their fizzling out!

~ Jeff Gordon ~

Prior to getting into NASCAR’s top series, Gordon ran two full seasons in the lower Nationwide series from ’91 to ’92, winning 3 times. He came into the NASCAR Cup series for his first full season in 1993. In 1995 he won the championship. From 1996-’98 he won 33 of the 96 races, and two more championships! He also won the 2001 championship. He has 87 Cup wins; that makes him third in all time wins in NASCAR history.

So why not Jeff? He’s a fuckin’ dork and a whiny little bitch… always has been always will be! I believe more fans disliked him in his heyday because he won so much! That’s why I didn’t like him. And to be honest, I believe the rivalry between Earnhardt (the old) and Gordon (the new generation) is what really drove Gordon… so he’s sort of fallen from grace since 2001…

That… and he had a creepy ass mustache and a mullet!

Creepy Jeff Gordon

~ Tony Stewart ~

Tony Stewart is one of those guys who can drive pretty much anything… You name it, he’s done it and won at it! In 1997 & 1998 Stewart won 3 of 21 go kart IndyCar races and the championship in 1997! He came to the Cup series full time in 1999 and won the championship in 2002. He’s also won championships in 2005 and 2011. Dude has won 47 total cup races.

Why isn’t Tony Stewart the face of NASCAR? Because he’s a whiny bitch like Jeff Gordon, only his rage is fueled by milkshakes and french fries. He’s fat and he lashes out at fans and punches reporters.

Tony Stewart Tubby

He also tries to drive his car upside down… which never ends well…

Stewart: Inverted

~ Matt Kenseth ~

After two successful years in NASCAR’s Nationwide series in ’98 and ’99, winning seven races and finishing in championship points 2nd and 3rd respectively, Matt moved up to the Cup series in ’00. He posted one win and 11 top tens that year. I actually met Matt after his rookie season and it was one of the coolest things ever. My daughter, Alexis, and I went to the Cleveland auto show, a week after Earnhardt died, and waited in line for nearly three hours to get an autograph from him. When we got to Matt, he and I started talking and Alexis blurted out to Matt, “I don’t want you to die too..” Well I saw the tears in his eyes (oh I was losin’ it too) as he asked me to put her up on the table so he could talk to her. He assured her that he would be safe and then gave her a big hug, signed her shirt and hat and then security moved us along… I’ll never forget those few moments…

Since then? Matt has won 23 more races for a total of 24, and he won the championship in 2003!

Why hasn’t he become the face of NASCAR? Because he has the personality of a paperclip. I swear to god I’m not kidding… dude is a nightmare when it comes to the press and PR… Talking to Matt is like talking to a tree in the winter… Check it out…

If you watched that entire video, then god bless ya! Oh…. who else we got?

~ Kurt Busch ~

Kurt actually came up from the lowest ranks in NASCAR; their truck series… but in ’00 after running the entire season, Kurt won four races and finished 2nd in championship points! He got into the Cup series full time in ’01, and secured a championship in ’04, after winning 11 races in 3 years! He’s won 24 NASCAR cup races, by the way…

Kurt Busch could never be the face of NASCAR, because he’s so pissed off all the time, punching everyone around. The same applies to his brother, Kyle, who is a great driver (prolly one of the greatest in modern times), but a fuckin’ trainwreck when it comes to the press….

Kurt Busch Pissed

… that’s Kurt, by the way!

~ Jimmie Johnson ~

I dunno where Jimmie Johnson came from. I could look it up, but I’m lazy right now… He had two decent seasons in the Nationwide Series in ’00 and ’01, winning only 1 race and then moved on to the Cup Series in ’02 and dominated, winning 18 races through ’06, including the ’06 Daytona 500 I went to! In ’06, and through ’10, Jackass Johnson went on to win 35 races and 5 STRAIGHT CHAMPIONSHIPS. That is extremely impressive… But, again, fans get sick of drivers who dominate… we like to see thing all mixed up with a close points battle!

So why hasn’t Jimmie Johnson emerged as being NASCAR’s #1 marketer?

Jimmie Johnson

He’s a boring, stiff! No excitement, no temper… just boring.

~ Brad Keselowski ~

Hell, Brad’s the defending champion! He’s also got a cool back story… His early years in NASCAR, ’04 to ’06, were in the truck series racing for his family owned team. Being a small team, he struggled and eventually the sponsorship money dried up, forcing the team to suspend operations. He started driving in the Nationwide Series in ’07 until THAT team ran out of money and shut down… Brad was out of a job.

In June of ’07, truck series driver Ted Musgrave was suspended for a race for an altercation with another driver… Germain Racing, under recommendations from NASCAR veteran Mark Martin, who’s always looking for young talent, called Brad to drive that race for them. In a good piece of equipment, Brad took the pole for that race, led 62 laps, and was on his way to a win until he got spun out by another driver with 10 laps to go. This caught Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s attention, who called Brad to have him drive his Nationwide Series car. The rest, they say, is history. From ’08 to ’10 he won 12 Nationwide Series races and the championship in ’10! Since then he’s won 8 more Nationwide Series races for a total of 20!

As for Sprint Cup? Brad’s raced sprint cup full time since ’10 and won 8 races, five of which were last year en route to the 2012 Championship!

Brad should be the face of NASCAR! He’s a very aggressive driver… but he’s good! I think his problem is he’s pretty dorky looking…


… and his championship winning interview might’ve turned of the media a bit, ’cause he was drunk…

…..That shouldn’t matter! Dude doesn’t get in that car after he’s been drinkin’! I’m announcing right now that Brad’s MY new driver to follow this year, especially since he’s drivin’ a Ford now! He’s finally the interesting champion that NASCAR’s been lookin’ for.

But who have they seemingly tabbed as the face of NASCAR?

Danica Ass

Oops… Sorry!

Danica Sunglasses

Yeah… that GoDaddy Girl who did Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoots ~ Danica Patrick!

I was one of the first who pointed out, back in November, that she was riding fellow driver, Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s pole! And now that she has won the pole for this Sunday’s Daytona 500, that’s all NASCAR cares about ~ the tale of two poles!

Every time a sports network is talking about Daytona, pretty much all they talk about is Danica… it’s gettin’ real old real fast.

To be fair, however, I’m gonna look at Danica’s racing resume the same as I did with all the drivers I mentioned above..

She raced go karts in IndyCar full time from ’05 to ’11 for a total of 115 races, winning an eye popping .87% of those races. Oh no… that’s not a typo, because I don’t commit typographical errors…. she won 1 (one) race out of 115! She didn’t even win it racing… it was what we call a fuel strategy win. That means the other drivers had to pit for fuel and she didn’t have to, handing her the lead and, ultimately, the win!

She started racing in NASCAR’s Nationwide Series in 2010 on a part time basis for 13 races, ran 12 races in ’11 and the full season last year. In 58 races, she won a total of 0 (zero) times. She was lapped at least once and oftentimes multiple times in 37 of those races.

Last year, she ran 10 Cup races… only finishing one of ’em on the lead lap…

NASCAR, like every other sport, relies on numbers to determine the quality of their athletes. What follows is the win percentage (professional career) of all the drivers I’ve mentioned…

Jeff Gordon ~ 12%
Tony Stewart ~ 10%
Matt Kenseth ~ 7%
Kurt Busch ~ 7%
Jimmie Johnson ~ 12%
Brad Keselowski ~ 9%
Danica Patrick ~ 0.5%

But, Greg, that’s not a fair comparison… You’re comparing Danica to a slew of stock car veterans…

MAYBE SO! But re-read the post to see my point… the face of NASCAR should be one of their better competitors…

Y’all want me to make it fair? Fuck you! I’ll do my best…

The 30 year old Danica Patrick, who’s won 1 (one) of 183 professional races is now dating 25 year old Ricky Stenhouse Jr. who’s won 8 (eight) of 113 professional races and has two CONSECUTIVE Nationwide Series championships.

Two time Champ!

Two time Champ!

Her win percentage is still 0.5%. Ricky’s won 7% of his races…

I feel bad for Ricky… this past week, the media has tabbed him as “Danica’s boyfriend”… multiple times…  though he’s a way more accomplished driver than she is. If NASCAR wasn’t so concerned about the tits and ass viewership, they’d call her Ricky’s girlfriend…

Or, to be more politically correct, call them both rookies competing for the Rookie of the Year Award…

And don’t even think of calling me sexist… I’m all about the best drivers in their sport…

This past Sunday, Courtney Force became the first woman ever to win at Pomona, CA in the NHRA…

Courtney and John Force

… but the media ain’t talking about that….

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