Navigating the road with other “Drivers”….

I consider myself an above average driver. In almost 24 years of driving I’ve lost control of my vehicle only twice; both times before the age of 18 and both times in this wonderful Ohio snow.

The first time, I think I was 16, I was driving my girlfriend home in a pretty good snowstorm and up ahead I saw what I thought was a raccoon or something… I swerved around it, it was actually a plastic bag, and the car turned sideways into a ditch…

The second time, and I believe it was only a few months later so maybe I was 17, my buddy Vince and I were coming back after tearing down the audio at the end of a wedding reception (Vince and I would help his girlfriend’s Dad, a DJ, set up his equipment before wedding receptions and then tear it down after) in a blizzard and I lost it in the snow, turning the front end of the car into the guardrail, effectively killing it!

Since then, all of my cars have been safe and uncrashed…. that includes an ’87 Mustang, a ’93 Mustang ragtop…


…a ’97 F-150, an ’01 Focus, an ’03 Taurus (man I miss my Fords!) and my current ’08 Jetta!

Nowadays, cruisin’ around town is basically an exercise in protecting my Jetta, and its contents, from idiotic drivers on the road! Here are some types of drivers that aggravate me the most… in no particular order…

  1. What’s a Turn Signal? ~ These drivers are extremely dangerous! They’ll be driving ahead of me and, out of the blue, stab the brakes at a side street and turn! Every time, I’m like, “JESUS” and wanna chase ’em and wreck ’em! A variant of this type is the “late turn signal” driver. They’ll jam on the brakes, then hit the turn signal. I wanna hurt those ones too! What’s a Turn Signal?s also create mayhem where 4-way stop signs are involved.
  2. Slow Poke ~ These are usually old people. They go 17 in a 35 zone and hit the brakes every 12 seconds for some reason. Slow Pokes are usually a polar opposite to What’s a Turn Signal?s as they’ll hit the turn signal about 3 miles before they actually turn!
  3. The Accelerator ~ Grrrr… these ones really piss me off! They’re usually young punks in pimped out Asian cars. When turning onto a street, I see the oncoming car is about 300 feet away, so I turn in front of them… AND THEY ACCELERATE to ride up on my ass even though I turned with more than enough room! To combat those douchebags, oftentimes I’ll slow down and just let’em ride on my ass or, for even more fun, I’ll turn on my turn signal for a bit so they’ll fall back, then turn it off… Repeat… Repeat… A word of caution: NEVER brake check anyone, especially The Accelerator, because they’ll rear end you and ruin your shit!
  4. The Brake Checker ~ This is usually The Accelerator drivin’ slow in their cheap ass slammed Civic, thinkin’ people are checkin’ it out, though it can even be a Slow Poke… either way, if ya get too close they stand on the brakes with both feet hoping you rear end ’em. I’ve never met a The Brake Checker I didn’t want to decapitate!
  5. The Teenager ~ Need I say more? The only thing in their car they know how to operate is their cell phone.

That summarizes all the idiocy I encounter just driving around town… Once on the turnpike, the dynamic changes. See, I make pretty regular trips out to Hanover, PA, so I spend a lot of time on the Pennsylvania and Ohio turnpikes… Here are those offenders…

  1. Holiday Drivers ~ These drivers have no clue. Left lane, center lane, right lane… it doesn’t matter! They’re all over the freakin’ highway, normally changing Spongebob Squarepants DVDs for their kids while not paying attention to the road. The only times I’ve seen accidents on the turnpikes is around a holiday. Go figure…
  2. High Speed Lane Hoggers ~ These are the idiots who get in the left lane and set their cruise at the posted speed limit, which nobody adheres to! Holiday Drivers always do this because they don’t understand that whole “slower traffic stay to the right” thing. When it’s not a holiday, Michigan and Indiana drivers are the biggest offenders…
  3. Low Speed Lane Hoggers ~ These fuckers hang in the right lane at about 140 miles an hour. They’re usually from The Accelerator crowd…
  4. Drowsy Truck Drivers ~ Need I say more? These dudes are either extremely tired or gettin’ a blow job from the girl they picked up at the last rest stop. Either way, they drift off the side of the road and hit the rumble strips for a quarter mile; then wave at me when I accelerate past them!
  5. Multiple Lane Changers ~ Drift across lanes with no apparent agenda! I’m actually one of these while avoiding all of the above…!
  6. Those Not Ready to Pay their Toll ~ Holy shit, idiot… when you got on the turnpike, you received a ticket that said how much it would cost you to exit that turnpike. You knew 236 miles ago that you had to pay $21.15 to get off, yet you get to the toll booth and dig through your purse for 7 minutes to scrounge up the cash. Fuck you! You are wasting my very valuable time…

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something, but this is what I’ve got for now….

~ Until we meet again…

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