Woo hoo! My beloved Cleveland Browns have their first preseason game tonight! The St. Louis Rams are in town! Here are some things I’m gonna look for.
NOTE to stupid fans: Last year means nothing! We have a new, impressive coaching staff! Coach Pat Fucking Shurmer…
…. is gone! He’s gone 430 miles east to fuck up the Eagles as their offensive coordinator.
Shurmer has been replaced by Rob Chudzinski at head coach. Chud is from this area and is a huge fan! This is important! If you’re concerned about his resume, just look at what he did with Cam Newton in Carolina.
Also gone from last year… Defensive coordinator Dick Jauron… Our defense sucked and it was his fault running that bend but don’t break, boring ass, passive 4-3 defense….
In his place, we have Ray Horton…
Ray brings an aggressive, pass rushing 3-4 defensive scheme to Cleveland! I’m truly excited about that.
I guess Brad Childress was our offensive coordinator last year, but it didn’t matter because Shurmer was in charge. Ya know, I can’t wait to see the footage of Chip Kelly punching Shurmer on the sideline!
Anyway, Childress was replaced by Norv Turner at offensive coordinator….
I noticed that Norv yells quit a bit at practice. This is a good thing folks! Norv wants to run a vertical passing game. Look up Phillip Rivers if you don’t believe me! God I hope that works… That dink and dunk shit pisses me off!
Here’s what I’m gonna watch for tonight! Remember, this is a preseason game… starters will prolly only play the 1st quarter.
1.) I don’t wanna see QB Brandon Weeden staring down receivers and patting the ball. If he gets a ball batted down I’m prolly gonna go off.. But Weeden’s my dude, I think he’s gonna do well in a Norv Turner offense!
NOTE to stupid fans: If Weeden doesn’t look that great and QB2 Jason Campbell looks alright against St. Louis’ second string, I don’t wanna hear shit about a QB controversy… not this year. Weeden’s gotta settle into this system.
2.) TE Jordan Cameron… will he be a factor? Norv knows tight ends… look up Antonio Gates if you don’t believe me…
3.) RB Dion Lewis. Little guy running back. Will he be a badass? Who knows little guy running backs? Norv! Look up Darren Sproles if ya don’t believe me!
4.) Little guy WR, Travis Benjamin… I’ve had my eye on this kid, and I think with a competent coaching staff he could have a breakout year! I think he’ll be the next DeSean Jackson (Eagles) without the diva! He’s also gonna be a punt returner, but damn he’s little… let’s hope he stays healthy!
NOTE to stupid fans: Remember this is a new coaching staff and a new offense… installing this stuff takes time! If you expect everything to be perfect tonight you’re a dumbass!
5.) On to defense! I believe our D line is gonna be tough…
… Phil Taylor. Enough Said!
6.) Bark Mingo at linebacker! I think this dude will eventually be a badass, too! As far as starters go… I wanna see what OLB Jabaal Sheard can do. I’ve liked that kid since day 1!
7.) Buster Skrine at CB. Dude, don’t fuck up!
NOTE to stupid fans: This is a totally new defense! It takes time to make a switch from a 4-3 to a 3-4. Shit could be tough tonight because of that! Or maybe not… I think our D is pretty tough!
Anyway…. kickoff is in a few minutes, so let’s see what happens!