Definition of Cat… Continued ~ Interior Un-decorator and General Asshole!

 

Idiot

cat
/kat/

noun

  1. a small domesticated carnivorous mammal that wanders around and knocks random objects off of shelves, desks tables, etc… and then proceeds to play with these items until they are lost under the couch. synonyms: fucker, asshole, you little piece of shit
  2. a soft furry object that flies about 30 feet and makes really strange noises when kicked

78 days ago and earlier, all was peaceful here at For Shiggles central command. The girlies and I would go about our day to day activities with little drama.

Little did I know that for a few years, my daughters had been planning a very twisted way to kill me. With a cat…

Immediately upon my move into this town house they recommended I get a cat; not for me, but for them.

GIRLIES: Dad, get a cat.

ME: NO. There are 17 cats at your Mom’s house.

GIRLIES: Mom’s cats smell. We need one here!

ME: NO. We have Bernie…

Bernie jumping

… who is just like a cat, except he has a brain, a conscience and manners..

The girlies never gave up… this conversation happened many times for over three years. I always resisted.

Everything was going well. As far as sleeping arrangements go, Bernie has his chair in my room that he sleeps on. Well, he starts on the chair but ultimately ends up on the bed. That was then, of course.

77 days ago, the girlies caught me with my guard down and talked me into going to “look at” kittens. I failed miserably and ended up adopting this piece of shit…

Piece of shit

Nothing has been normal since…

He is always knocking stuff off of every possible surface… he has even attacked me.

He no longer allows Bernie on the bed. Wait, I take that back… He’ll let Bernie get comfortable and then bite his tail or mess with him until he gets pissed and goes back on his chair.

Fast forward to this past Thursday… the little fucker wakes me up at 5:00 am by walking across my face. Instead of punching him, like I usually do, I gently scoop him up to drop him off the bed. He wasn’t having any of that. To prevent his fall he dug his claws into my wrist and hung on for a couple seconds before I shook him off. Grrrrr…. that shit hurt!

Last night I banned him from the bedroom… that’ll teach him, right?

NOPE!

This morning I woke up to find the blinds in one of the girls’ rooms AND the treadmill room yanked out of the brackets and tangled on the floor. The vertical blinds in the dining room were all jacked up too, and wouldn’t open until I spent 20 minutes snapping them back into their tracks.

Dear God this thing is a 7 pound furry tornado!

He is now sleeping peacefully… in Bernie’s bed.

 

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