What to Watch Today instead of Go Karts, NASCAR and Drag Racing!

Hoo boy! Today is a big day for auto racing if you’re into that kinda shit!

The 98th Indianapolis 500 is today. It features really fucking fast go karts. I’m talkin’ 240 MPH fast. Some dude named Ed carpenter won the pole position with a lap speed of 231.067!

Also noteworthy is that NASCAR god/bad guy, Kurt Busch, is participating in today’s 500 then flying to Charlotte for some good ol’ fashioned NASCARin’!

Kurt didn’t do so well in practice the other day…

Kurt Busch

… He wasn’t hurt and was actually relieved that he crashed, as he was still figuring out the car, during practice and not in the race.

There is a lot  of pageantry leading up to this race.

  1. Martina McBride will be performing America the Beautiful.
  2. Carol Brady Florence Henderson will be performing God Bless America.
  3. Taps will be played.
  4. LeAnn Rimes, who needs to eat a damn burger, will perform the national anthem.LeAnn Rimes Bikini
  5. Gomer Pyle Jim Nabors is gonna sing a son called Back Home Again in Indiana.
  6. There will be a BALLOON SPECTACLE released on the starting grid!
  7. A car race.

I never really got into this type of racing because I can’t pronounce most of the drivers’ French sounding names and I can’t understand JuanPabloMontoya!

If Kurt Busch doesn’t crash, he’ll race for 500 miles and then fly 575 miles to Charlotte for NASCAR’s Coca Cola 600! That’s 1,100 miles of racin’ and 2,400 left turns if he completes both races! Dude prolly won’t be able to walk straight for a few days!

Always “noteworthy” when there’s a NASCAR race is that Danica Fucking Patrick will be in it. Two weeks ago, the media collectively ejaculated because she finished 7th at Kansas! Did you guys know that 7th place is the 6th LOSER?

She’s got a fantastic ass, though…

Danica

… which is prolly why the media was jerkin’ it!

Danica fast fact: Did you know that in 9 years, and 233 events, of professional racing, dear Danica has not won on American soil? That’s right, back in 2008 she won an IndyCar race in Japan… on fuel strategy!

If ya wanna check out women who actually WIN races you need to tune in to the NHRA action from Topeka, Kansas tonight at 10:00 EST on ESPN2! In 63 years of drag racing, women have won 99 national events. It’s possible today for them to hit that milestone 100th win!

Sisters Courtney (Funny Car) and Brittany (Top Fuel Dragster) Force qualified #1 in their respective classes and are poised to get that big 100th win!

That’s a first in NHRA history!

A special shout out to reader Elaine for allowing me to use her Xfinity login information so I can watch drag racing live instead of waiting ’til 10:00 pm!

If you’re not interested in any of this, there is a Rocky marathon today on ION. I’m sure that Saving Private Ryan is on today as well. I may check that out so I can start crying like a bitch 12 seconds into the movie!

It’s also really nice outside, so get out there! Walk your dog, ladies do some nude sunbathing!

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