Already Freakin’ Out about Tomorrow ~ Browns @ Jaguars!

Sad Browns

Nobody but true, lifelong Browns fans understand the feelings I’m experiencing right now.

We are 3-2 and off to a great start, folks, right?

Here’s a recap of the season thus far.

Week 1

Got embarrassingly owned by Pittsburgh in the first half 27-3. We played some really nice football in the second half to tie it up at 27, just didn’t have enough to finish the game and lost by a last second FG. Browns 27 ~ Steelers 30

Week 2

The defense beat up New Orleans’ QB Drew Brees pretty good right from the start. Naturally, Brees would bounce back and take the lead from the Browns early in the 4th quarter. It was 24-23 Saints… The reel highlight of that game was the Karlos Dansby sack on Brees that knocked them outta field goal range to win the game, and forced a Saints punt. Hoyer the Destroyer led a 14 play, 85 yard drive that featured a gutsy 4th down conversion (10 yards Hoyer to Barnidge) to keep the drive alive. BOOM! Browns win on a last second FG. Browns 26 ~ Saints 24

Week 3

This was a pretty typical Browns/Ravens game. Through 3 quarters, Cleveland builds up a 21-17 lead and then shits the bed in the 4th quarter with a missed FG and a BLOCKED FG, while Baltimore scored FGs on two of it’s possessions, one being at the final second. Browns 21 ~ Ravens 23

Week 4

Bye week… I hated the bye this early. Gonna be a long season from here on out!

Week 5

We got our asses kicked by Tennessee in the majority of the first half by stud QBs Jake Locker and Charlie Whitehurst?!? Fell to a 28-3 deficit… Hoyer the Destroyer said, “OH HELL NO,” and got to work, finishing the first half with a 9 play 90 yard TD drive! There would be no more Titans offense after that as the Browns would go FG, SAFETY, TD, TD to win!!! See:


That would make NFL history as the most points scored in a come from behind victory by a road team! Browns 29 ~ Titans 28

Week 6

We fucking blew those dirty, rapey Steelers outta the water! HA HA, fuck you Pittsburgh! Browns 31 ~ Steelers 10

WOO HOO! Like I said, that’s 3-2 right there!

We should be all fired up to go down to Jacksonville and kick the shit outta the 28th ranked offense and 30th ranked defense of the 0-6 Jaguars, right?


Cleveland was 3-2 last year and then Hoyer did a sissy slide and shredded his ACL.

Hoyer Slide

We went on to win only one more game last year to finish 4-12…

So does our season begin to take a shit tomorrow? I dunno but probably!

It’s never good when the national sports media starts noticing us. Yeah the spotlight was on Cleveland since the draft because we picked up that dork, Johnny Football Clipboard, in the first round. The tone has changed, however, from “Why not start Johnny” to “Is this Real, Cleveland?

That scares the shit outta me, because I know better. We suck.

I’m a numbers guy and tend to over analyze shit and here’s what I came up with:

We’ve played 5 teams this year. I know, Pittsburgh two times, but still… We’ve only played one team with a winning record; that’s Baltimore, and we lost that one. Our three wins are over teams with a combined 7-10 (.412) record. Our two losses are to teams with a 7-5 (.583) record. Our 5 opponents combined records are 14-15 (.483).

Jacksonville is 0-6, but I believe they’ve played tougher opponents, half of which (Philly, Indy & San Diego) have winning records. Jacksonville’s 6 opponents combined records are 20-16 (.555).

What’s that mean? It means crunching numbers is stupid. It also means the blind squirrel that is the Jacksonville Jaguars is gonna find a nut tomorrow and break their losing streak.

I believe it’s gonna be Jacksonville 24 ~ Cleveland 17. The national sports media will collectively sigh and say, “Oh look! THERE’s the real Browns..”

I wish I could be more positive but, again, I know better.


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