Already Freakin’ Out about Tomorrow – Bengals @ Browns!

Manziel Down

It’s official… Johnny Manziel has been named the starter for tomorrow’s game.

Yeah, I called him by his name because I won’t insult QB1 as others have done to Brian Hoyer, so no more Johnny Fuckface, Johnny Jerkoff or Johnny Snorting Coke off a Strippers Ass.

I won’t call him Johnny Football, though, until he shows me he can play NFL football.

When the news broke on Tuesday I was furious. After a few days of digesting this information, however, I’ve calmed down a bit.

I have the utmost respect for Brian Hoyer and the fact that he got this team to 7-6! He’s a great kid and an amazing student of the game. In my opinion, it’s not his fault the offense has struggled for a month. Football is the ultimate team sport and his offense has let him down lately; plain and simple.

Thanks for what you’ve done for this franchise, Brian!!

I believe the change at QB has less to do with Hoyer’s performance than it did to give the Browns front office (Read: Jimmy Haslam & Ray Farmer) a chance to evaluate their second 1st round pick from May’s draft.

It’s a huge long shot for us to make the playoffs this year so now’s the time to see if Manziel is truly the QB of the future of if they need to draft another QB in May. God I hope they don’t have to…

Unfortunately, 99% of Browns fans are incredibly stupid so they think this switch is to help us win the last three games and have a shot at the playoffs.

It’s not.

Cleveland’s in experiment mode now. They’re done with this season. Ya know how I know?

Everyone’s looking at the QB position but K Billy Cundiff has been horrible in 6 of 13 games this year, two of which coulda been wins instead of losses had he done his damn job and put the ball through the uprights.

Cundiff’s job is secure, however, so the goal is not to win games.

A team doesn’t just bench a QB who is above .500, while on a potential playoff run, for a rookie unless it’s merely for evaluation purposes.

Regardless… enter Johnny Manziel. Dude had an awesome college career. You can look it up, I’m not gonna go through the numbers here. He won the Heisman as a freshman; the first ever to do so. Keep in mind, though, the media makes the Heisman winner.

Wanna know about Johnny’s college career? The 99% of Browns fans who know nothing about football will tell you all about it while masturbating! School sports don’t matter at this level.

The 1%, like myself? We’ll tell you he hasn’t committed himself to this team. You all can look that stuff up too. He likes to party. He thinks super stardom comes before, not after, one plays and is successful at a high level. He’s wrong.

None of the above matters any more because this kid is now QB1 for our Cleveland Browns. I’m a Browns fan and I want to see them win; I don’t care who they are! I’ve never had player jerseys because players are no longer loyal… I’m a fan of the team!

So what needs to happen tomorrow?

Defense

The D needs to beat up Bengals QB Dalton like they did in Week 10. There needs to be constant pressure! Dalton will make mistakes. We sacked him twice picked him off 3 times in week 10! Our defensive backfield needs to shut down the Cincy WRs, especially AJ Green who had a huge game against Pittsburgh last week.

Some run defense would be nice, too! Fortunately, this defense remembers the shit talking Bengals RB Jeremy Hill did after the last game. We also have to contend with RB Giovani Bernard, who was injured for the first meeting.

Special Teams

We still don’t have a legitimate kick returner. I believe tiny Travis Benjamin will take one to the house!

Our coverage team is pretty consistent; hopefully they’ll remain so tomorrow.

K Billy Cundiff is an ass. He sucks. I’ve no faith in him. Neither does the team. He needs to go but must have pictures of Coach Pettine banging one of  Johnny Manziel’s strippers so he can keep his job.

Offense

No. Fucking. Clue.

Our rookie QB is one of those scrambling QBs like Russell Wilson, Michael Vick or Colin Kaepernick, except 100% whiter than Wilson  and Vick and like 34% whiter than Kaepernick.

This game will be 100% on offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan. An offensive line that has been struggling since the loss of  Pro Bowl C Alex Mack two months ago will now have to try to block for a dude that will be running around in the backfield. I understand that’s pretty difficult.

Rookie QBs throw interceptions. One way to minimize the possibility of picks is to run the ball. In our week 10 victory over Cincinnati we went run crazy! West, Crowell and Tate ran a combined 48 times for 169 yards. Expect run heavy play calling tomorrow.

I’ve gotta imagine Shanahan will be running a simplified offense for Manziel since he struggles calling plays in the huddle.

Maybe eliminate the huddle here and there? Huh Shanahan? That shit works and it’s what this QB is good at!

There will be some read option and Johnny will run. He needs to run smart otherwise he’ll get crushed. His cocky attitude has gotten him a big ass bulls eye on his chest and defenders will be gunning for him.

And Johnny… your god damn money sign just screams douchebag…

Manziel Money

… I imagine you’re gonna keep doing it but how about limit it to when we’re ahead in the game? Please?

Like I said, it’s a loooooooong shot for us to make the playoffs. For starters, we need to win our last three games. We need a shit ton of help, though, as we’re currently the 12th seed in the AFC.

Four other teams are 7-6: Houston (@ IND), Miami (@ NE), Kansas City (OAK) and Buffalo (GB). They ALL need to LOSE so we can leap frog them up to the 8th seed!

THEN… we need Pittsburgh (@ ATL), San Diego (DEN) and Baltimore (JAX) to lose also!

UGH! It all starts with a Browns win, however!

GO BROWNS!

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