Tag Archives: Bristol Motor Speedway

What to Watch Today Instead of NASCAR!

The Danica Patrick watch continues here at For Shiggles! Last week at Bristol, the lovely driver of the #10 GoDaddy Chevrolet managed an 18th place finish. Only 1 lap down! She didn’t even cra… oh wait, yes, she did crash. But it’s Bristol, everybody crashes at Bristol! Oh, but she didn’t crash while racing; she crashed in the damn pits… see for yourself!

 

I loved Darrell Waltrip’s comment: “I’m not… I can’t explain that one.”

The first thing I thought of was this classic quote from Days of Thunder:

 

After the race, dear Danica claimed that her transmission was toast and she only had 4th gear. I call bullshit! ANY TIME a driver has an issue with their car, especially something as major as a blown transmission, the guys calling the race are gonna know… and there was no mention of it!

Here’s a quick recap of Danica’s performance after four races. She’s completed 1,219 of 1,282 laps, crashed out at Daytona, and hasn’t finished on the lead lap yet! Her average start is 29.5; average finish is 28.8.

She’s currently 28th in the standings; 3 positions and 20 points behind AJ Allmendinger, who returned this year from a drug suspension.

YOU GO GIRL!

Today, the Sprint Cup Series is at Auto Club Speedway in southern California.

Auto Club Speedway

Auto Club is a wide, relatively flat D-shaped oval. This configuration promotes long green flag runs which make the shitty drivers fall laps behind in a hurry, so that’s what Danica has to look forward to!

She starts 27th today, by the way!

If you’d prefer not to watch today’s race you might check out MARCH MADNESS! A lot of people have been talking about this lately. I understand it’s college basketball. I am not a fan of basketball.

See, I can only watch sports that I’m good at I used to be good at. My Dad made me play basketball when I was little and I was horrible at it. I couldn’t dunk, or dribble, or pass or shoot! Actually, I wasn’t that bad, just couldn’t get into it!

I am a fair weather fan, however! If the Cavs ever get in the playoffs I’ll watch. Needless to say, I haven’t watched much basketball the past few years!

And college basketball? Y’all can keep crying over your brackets!

Ooooh! There’s also golf on! Today is the final round of the Arnold Palmer Invitational Presented by MasterCard! Nope! No golf for me!

Last time I paid attention to golf was when Tiger Woods got busted by his hot wife, Elin Nordegren…

elin nordegren red bikini

… bangin’ a bunch of skanks!

Joslyn James

 

That’s “porn star” Joslyn James… EWW… I think his name used to be James Joslyn, ’cause that’s definitely a dude with implants!

Shit… I can’t find anything to watch today. I may just have to watch the race!

Either that or watch Disney’s Frozen for the 4th time this weekend!

Enjoy your Sunday, folks!

Hey Cletus, “How’s come dey all pist off?” Week 26 NASCAR Update!

Because it’s Bristol baby! All the drivers get pissed at Bristol because it’s a crazy, tiny little .533 mile oval in which bouncing off other cars is the norm!

This weekend featured the night races at Bristol for the top two NASCAR series. What makes night racing so cool? Because it’s dark! Seriously, though, the drivers seem to race with more intensity for night races… especially Bristol!

Friday night, the Nationwide Series raced. It started off in normal Bristol fashion… I think it was on the third lap that Austin Dillon turned Justin Allgaier into the wall. It looked intentional to me. Then Allgaier gets all pissed off and tries to chase down Dillon, under caution, and he wrecks again… Cracked me up!

Austin finished fourth! I believe it was his twelfth top five of the season! It was… I just scrolled down to my stats!

And Danica? Danica. Patrick. Sucks. She is a terrible racecar driver. I’m so sick of the media calling her a superstar. She won one race in those big ass go-karts she used to race; and she won it on fuel mileage… not racing to the stripe. The theme this past week has been about her bad luck. She doesn’t have bad luck… she can’t drive a car. So she hit a shoe last week and her car went to shit. Maybe it was the shoe but maybe it was her shittyness too!

Don’t get me wrong, Danica is a fantastic swimsuit model. Pick the career that works for you girl! I don’t care if all of your future photo shoots feature you in a bright green bikini with websites plastered all over your ass!

Don’t let Danica’s numbers from Friday night fool you. She started 34th and just hung in the back while drivers got spun out in what seemed to be 1,273 cautions. Technically she passed those spun out cars, but it wasn’t because she was racin’ ’em. Danica finished 9th… of 16 cars that finished on the lead lap. Again, she is terrible and if she had a penis her sponsors would’ve pulled their cash long ago.

Joey Logano won the Friday night race and good for him as it was his sixth win of the Nationwide season.

Just remember…. the savings you experience at Dollar General help to fund a multi million dollar race team. Yay capitalism!

I did not watch last night’s Sprint Cup race in it’s entirety. A couple weeks ago I was talked into joining a fantasy football league… that was drafting at 7:30 9:30 last night. Long story short… a good amount of douchebaggery ensued when the draft started. I bowed out, was called a crybaby and then last night & again this morning my intelligence was called into question. Lesson learned. Don’t play fantasy football with douchebags.

I grabbed my five year old sweetie and we went to bed. I turned on the race but quickly fell asleep.

At one point I woke up to see a, yet another, smashed up GoDaddy racecar. I figured it was just a Danica Patrick highlight reel and went back to sleep.

Turns out that Danica crashed last night. Again. Regan Smith nudged her, and, in normal Danica fashion she crashed hard into the wall after barely trying to save it.

She made the point that she was angry at Regan by waving her finger at him as he passed by. Oooooh scary!

Did you know that in four Sprint Cup races Danica has an average 37th start and 32nd finish?… out of 43 cars! She’s also won $542,000 in prize money in those four races. Obama needs to do something about that!

Anyway, Dale Earnhardt finished twelfth and Denny Hamlin won the race….

….after a heated battle with my boy Carl Edwards, in which Carl ran out of gas… How do you screw up so much to run out of gas at Bristol? I need to be Carl’s crewchief! Starting next week!

Late in last night’s race the always chubby Tony Stewart tangled with soon to be Toyota traitor Matt Kenseth. Matt slid up into Tony’s car in what was normal Bristol contact. What does fatty fat fat do? He turns hard into Kenseth and wrecks ’em both. Check it out…

I bet Tony Stewart’s fantasy football league is as exciting as the one I pulled out of last night!

Numbers after week 26:

Austin:

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
23 1 12 17 9.0 8.0

Dale…

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
24 1 10 16 14.8 9.9

Danica… (Not pictured…. Here’s Kelly Brook. I have no clue who she is or what she does. But her boobs are real! Expect a Kelly Brook Sexy Saturday very soon!)

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
23 0 0 2 15 20.8

Hug your children and love them every day

Related Posts:

Week twenty four/twenty five combo
Week twenty three
Week twenty two
Week twenty one
Week twenty
Week nineteen
Week eighteen
Week seventeen
Week sixteen
Week fifteen
Week fourteen
Week thirteen
Week twelve
Week eleven
Week ten 

Week Four NASCAR Recap! With an Irish Car Bomb Mixed In

I was pretty disconnected yesterday afternoon, so I wasn’t able to concentrate on the Nationwide series race. The young rookie, Austin Dillon, finished twelfth in his first ever start at Bristol… in a car (He has raced at Bristol in the truck series). That’s pretty impressive, in my opinion.

Racing at Bristol is pretty tough. Being such a small track, the aerodynamics that come into play on the larger tracks are non existent. There is no drafting (Cole Trickle explains HERE at the 1:30 mark). Bristol is a track where driver skills make more of a difference. Drivers have to want to push their cars to the edge, and sometimes over, to do well there. If a driver doesn’t have that hunger…

….they finish two laps down like the lovely Danica Patrick did yesterday. She didn’t push her car and, instead, tried to stay out of trouble or hard racing. That’s what ultimately hurt her.

~~~NON RACING UPDATE~~~

Last night I ended up meeting a couple of the IT guys from work, Matt & Dustin, at Molly McGhee’s in Strongsville. I got there right about the time they were getting ready to leave. Matt bought me an Irish Car Bomb and then we left for his house. Matt showed me his impressive gun collection and we played some Asshole. We also spent a lot of time just bullshitting about stuff. It’s interesting to see how differently IT views our company and our program compared to myself; being in sales and working close with marketing.

Anyway, I think last night got my head straight. At least it was a nice distraction.

~~~BACK TO RACING~~~

Today I watched the Sprint Cup race in it’s entirety. It was, as expected, a fantastic race. Unfortunately, my dude, Carl Edwards was involved in a crash early on that eliminated him from contention. Oh well… there’s always next week at Fontana, CA.

Brad Keselowski won. I’m starting to like this kid, even though he drives a Dodge.

I LOVED this car when it was a Ford and Rusty Wallace drove it

He’s the driver who keeps his cell phone in his car. He tweeted during the red flag at Daytona when the track was on fire. He took a picture with his phone in victory lane today. I’ve been waiting for him to tweet it so I could put it up here, but I think I saw beer getting sprayed all over his phone. Either the picture didn’t come out or his phone got destroyed.

As for Dale Earnhardt Jr….. he had a real good race. Stayed up front all day and was on his way to a top five finish. Then he got caught speeding in the pits during the final caution and ended up with a fifteenth place finish. He complained about the accuracy of the speed tracking equipment…. but that’s just him being a bitch. It was his fault…

Numbers after week four:

Austin…

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
4 0 2 3 6.5 7.0

Dale…

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
4 0 1 2 14 10.3

Danica…

Starts Wins Top 5 Top 10 Avg. Start Avg. Finish
4 0 0 0 17.5 22.5
This picture of Danica is mezmorizing. It’s hard to notice the Chevrolet Bel Air that her ass is resting on. She wants to be thought of as a serious athlete, but her best performances thus far have been in front of the camera… and not the 42 or so cameras surrounding most NASCAR events.
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