Tag Archives: Houston Texans

Monday Moanin’ ~ Texans 23 @ Browns 7

Ugh! That was hard to watch… but it’s not the end of the damn world, folks! Prior to the beginning of this season who had the Browns at 6-4 after 10 games? Anyone? That’s what I thought!

After the first half of that week 1 debacle against Pittsburgh, I figured we’d go 0-16. Hell, after 10 games last year we were 4-6 and didn’t win another game!

We DO have issues, though. Some can be addressed and some we just have to deal with.

I know… all teams suffer injuries/suspensions, but we’re missing PRO BOWLERS. Center Alex Mack is a HUGE loss. Tight End Jordan Cameron is concussed and it isn’t looking good for him. I don’t believe he even remembers his name after what I believe was his third concussion (on a cheap shot, no less).

Wide receiver Josh Gordon likes weed way to fuckin’ much, man. He’s back this week after serving a 10 game suspension for getting busted like 3 times!

Without those guys, we’re still 6-4!

I dunno how good Gordon’s gonna be. He hasn’t played in a real game in a long time. Opposing defenses are gonna HAVE to game plan for him, however! We were talkin’ at work today and figured the best first play for Cleveland Sunday would be to just air it out to Gordon! At the very least it’ll make the defense honest and help the running game.

Speaking of the running game, back to yesterday!

Where was ours? 76 offensive plays and ya throw it 50 times? C’mon Browns! I love QB Brian Hoyer, but he certainly ain’t no Peyton Manning! He is lacking weapons! Much respect to our tiny receivers but, damn, it’s gotta be hard for a QB to get the ball to a 5’7″ guy versus a 6’3″ or taller guy!

So we only run the ball 24 times? Actually 21 times between RBs. We got our Crowell sighting finally, for only 14 carries and 61 yards. Terrance West had 5 carries for 12 yards and Ben Tate got 2 carries for -9 yards. WTF? They ran him once when it was 3rd and 25! He lost 3. The Browns are playing all pass happy but yet run on 3rd and 25? Stupid!

Ben Tate is a whiny little bitch, by the way. I guess that’s why the coaches only limited him to 2 carries against his old team?

Anyway, some dude named Alfred Blue is a running back for the Texans. I thought with starter Arian Foster out, we’d shut down the Texans running game. NOPE! Blue gashed us for 156 yards on 36 CARRIES!

Browns DL Desmond Bryant…

Desmond Bryant Mugshot

… said something like they weren’t mentally ready for the game… Clearly! How the hell are you not mentally ready to play a game you only play 16 times a year?

Texans QB Ryan Mallett started his first NFL game and our defense couldn’t pressure him? I just don’t get it!

A lot of this loss falls on the Browns coaches in my opinion. I’ve been a big fan of HC Mike Pettine and OC Kyle Shanahan but they really stunk it up yesterday.

I believe we have the talent to make the playoffs, I really do. These players, and coaches, need to get their heads outta their asses and play the damn games!


Already Freakin’ Out about Tomorrow ~ Texans @ Browns!

Before we get going here, I have a quick confession! It’s not very often I buy shit like clothes and shoes for myself. Last week, though, I broke down and bought my first new pair of shoes in five years. Wore ’em to the gym the last few days and hoo boy are they delightful! Good gym shoes are ones that you don’t even realize you’re wearing.

Yesterday, only 5 days after that splurge, I fell victim to yet another impulse purchase. See, I’ve had the same ol’ Cleveland Browns knit cap for a looong time…

Old hat

… that one’s older than 5 years, maybe 7? A couple of guys at work were sportin’ some nifty Browns hats around the office and I told myself, “Screw this, I’m overdue for a hat upgrade!”

So this is on it’s way:

Browns hat

… can’t believe I’m so excited about a damn hat!

Maybe even more excited than I am about tomorrow’s game when the Houston Texans come to town…

Alright, I take that back! I’m extremely excited about tomorrow’s game!

We’re 6-3 and sit alone atop the AFC North! We’re the 4th seed in the entire AFC!

We can win this shit tomorrow!

While looking over some of the Texans’ stats, nothing really jumped out at me. Their defense is ranked 26th in the league for total yards, giving up almost 400 yards a game; 70% of that is through the air, however, which means the Browns gotta work on that passing attack. That might be tough because it’s supposed to be low to mid 30s at game time.

Look for a big game from Browns RB Terrance West…

Terrance West

… dude had a big game last week against the Bengals with 94 yards on 26 hard fought carries and a TD! His Towson highlight reel is peppered with successful runs in cold/snowy conditions!

I’d STILL like to see more touches by RB Isaiah Crowell, as he only had 12 for 41 yards last week.

On to the QBs…

Interesting comparison here… For the duration of the off season, when the less intelligent Browns fans were screaming for Johnny Snort Cocaine Off Strippers Asses Fucking Football to start, Brian Hoyer was constantly labelled a career backup. Technically he WAS, as he spent three years behind Patriots QB Tom Brady. I don’t think people realize the significance of that. Tom Brady is a damn good QB. He studies his ass of. Hoyer learned that from Brady and he’s an extremely smart QB because of it.

The Texans have benched their QB1, Alan from the Hangover Ryan Fitzpatrick…

Ryan Fitzpatrick

… to see what they have in QB Ryan Mallett, who has been a career backup thus far after spending three years studying under, you guessed it, Tom Brady!

Mallett has only thrown four passes in real NFL games. All were when he came in for Brady when the Patriots were dominating some games in 2012. His career stats are 1 for 4 for 17 yards and an interception. He has a super strong arm, though. Clearly it’s a well rested arm!

To me, it seems like the only thing Hoyer and Mallett have in common is that they’ve prolly seen Tom Brady’s wife…

Gisele Bundchen Ass

… Gisele Bundchen, a bit more up close and personal than the rest of us have.

The Browns defense can confuse opposing QBs. Just ask Andy Dalton, Ben Roethlisberger, Drew Brees and Mike Glennon.

If they put some pressure on Mallett I believe they can force him into some mistakes. It also looks like Texans RB Arian Foster might be out tomorrow with a groin injury so there goes Mallett’s security blanket!

I kinda suck at looking at playoff scenarios and calculating standings (I bet if I build a spreadsheet I’ll be awesome!). Anyway, I did some figurin’ and it looks like if when the Browns win tomorrow, the Bengals lose to the Saints, the Steelers lose to the Titans Monday night and some other shit bounces the Browns way, the Browns will solidify their first place in the AFC North and jump up to the third seed in the AFC. I think.

On the flip side, when if the Browns lose, Bengals and Steelers win and some other scenarios unfold that don’t favor the Browns, we fall to last in the AFC North and very possibly out of current playoff contention. I think.

It all begins with winning, though, folks!

Cleveland strings together a few more wins and what happens in other games affects the Browns less and less.

Oh yeah, we also get Pro Bowl WR Josh Gordon…


… back next week! Woo hoo!


A Look Back on Wild Card Weekend…

I started writing a post Saturday, before the NFL playoff games started, but ran short on time and relegated it to the trash… I reincarnated it to pull out some good background material even for this post, namely how the playoffs work.. Here’s what I wrote Saturday…

It’s Wild Card Weekend ~ All NFL Games Should be Good from Here on Out!

NFL Logo

Right? God I hope so! I’ve watched sixteen weeks of somewhat shitty football watching Browns games. I’m hoping all the games from today until Super Bowl XLVII (Let’s just drop the Roman numerals already and call it 47, alright?) are fun to watch!

There are twelve teams in play now. Here’s a quick look at how the NFL playoffs work…

There are two conferences in the NFL; the American Football Conference (AFC) and the National Football Conference (NFC). Each conference is comprised of four divisions; North, South, East and West. Each division has four teams. That makes 32 teams. 20, including my beloved Browns every year, don’t make the postseason.

This weekend is known as Wild Card Weekend. The top two teams in each conference earn a bye, meaning they don’t have to play this weekend because they’re the best of the best! This includes the Broncos and Patriots for the AFC and the Falcons and 49ers of the NFC.

The remaining 8 teams are the aforementioned wildcards who play this weekend. That includes the Texans, Ravens, Colts and Bengals of the AFC and the Packers, Redskins, Seahawks and Vikings of the NFC.

I’m just gonna focus on today’s games because it’s like 10 minutes until kickoff…

…. and that’s where I ran out of time and scrapped the post. So now I’ll just look back on this weekend’s games.

Saturday’s early game was the Cincinnati Bengals at the Houston Texans. Prior to the game I had Cincy winning it 24-17. Boy was I wrong…

Houston’s defense was more than the Bengals could handle. I’m really starting to like this J.J. Watt dude, defensive end for the Texans. After swatting down an Andy Dalton pass, he did this…

JJ Watt No no

…. and cracked me up! He’s a fantastic ball player and a funny guy!

The Bengals only TD came on an interception returned by Leon Hall. Their other two scores were FGs.

Oh… don’t think the Texans were some kind of offensive powerhouse. The only powerhouse was their RB Arian Foster who ran for 140 yards and a TD. The rest of their scoring was 4 FGs by ex-Bengal Shayne Graham.

The 19-13 win advanced the Texans. Next Sunday they play the Patriots, who I’m sure will crush them.

As I’m writing this, I had The Biggest Loser on in the background and I kept hearing (and watching) Jillian Michaels…

Jillian Michaels Bikini

…. and she threw off my concentration, so I switched over to the GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring Kent State at Arkansas State. GO FLASHES!

Anyway, Saturday’s late game was the Minnesota Vikings at the Green Bay Packers. I was pulling for the Vikes because I love me some Adrian Peterson! Didn’t work out to well for them, though…

The Packers were hitting on all cylinders and Minnesota didn’t have much of a chance. From a defensive standpoint, they had the right gameplan. Here’s what CB Charles Woodson had to say:

No disrespect to Ponder, but … it’s about one guy and that’s Adrian Peterson. Our main focus, whether it was Ponder or Webb, was to keep 28 (Peterson) from getting off. And if we were going to keep him from getting off, put the ball in the quarterback’s hands, whatever quarterback it was, we felt good about what was going to happen.

He was referring to Christian Ponder, the Vikes starting QB, who didn’t start. In his place was Colt McCoy Joe Webb, who was horrendous.

Joe Webb

And Green Bay’s QB Aaron Rodgers has so many freakin’ weapons at his disposal it makes me sick! DuJuan Harris, James Jones, Tom Crabtree, Greg Jennings John Kuhn and Jordy Nelson.

Anyway, Green Bay went on to win 24-10… and it wasn’t even that close because Webb threw a TD for the Vikings in garbage time… The Packers play the 49ers Saturday night. I expect it to be a good game…

So yesterday…. as much as I dislike the Colts and as much as I hate the Ravens, I gave the Ravens my blessing over the Colts in the early game, as I figured they’d win it.

I was right. Colts QB Andrew Luck looked like a rookie in his first playoff game. Nothing against Luck… hell, he was playing against the Ravens D. Even the great QBs, like Cleveland’s Brandon Weeden, struggle against Baltimore’s defense!

Baltimore’s Joe Flacco only completed 12 passes… but for 282 yards! God that dude bugs me! He wants to be mentioned in the same breath as Manning and Brady, but most of the time he’s a pedestrian QB at best. Anquan Boldin made Flacco the man yesterday. But, as they say, Flacco wins games…

The pregame/postgame stuff featuring Ray Lewis, because of his impending retirement, was actually quite touching…

Ray Lewis

… Much respect! The dude is still a beast at 37 years old and a genius running that defense. I am so happy his God spewing ass is gone hate to see him go.

Baltimore handily defeated the Colts 24-9. Next week won’t be so easy, when they go to Denver. Peyton Manning will make that defense his bitch.

In the late game yesterday, the Seahawks played the Redskins on what appeared to be some field somewhere in Iraq, though it turned out to be FedEx Field. I don’t understand how an NFL owner could have such a shitty field in his stadium, especially in the playoffs!

The Redskins started off strong while the ‘Hawks sputtered to get going. After a pretty quick 14-0 lead, RGIII’s leg fell off the wheels fell off the wagon for Washington. Actually, RGIII became slower and slower. Dude was clearly hurt, but his stupid coach left him in the game…

At the same time, Seattle’s QB Russell Wilson got hot and gashed the Redskins D; running and passing. The tandem of Russell Wilson and RB Marshawn Lynch are incredibly dangerous.

What seems to be the defining moment of the game, though it was halfway through the 4th quarter and Seattle had scored 21 unanswered points to put them ahead 21-14, was when RGIII’s knee actually did fall apart…


… Shame on Mike Shanahan for keeping RGIII in the game after he was clearly hurting early in the game. He didn’t get up after his knee bent like that.

Right now, they’re saying he has partial tears in both his ACL and LCL. I assume he’s gonna need surgery, when he might not have had he been pulled earlier in the game.

Seattle won the game 24-14 and now plays the Falcons next Sunday. I think Seattle has a shot, but we shall see!

For now, FUCK YOU Mike Shanahan for hurting your franchise QB as much as you did….

Now it’s time to watch Alabama beat down Notre Dame!