Last Night I Dreamed About Young, Muscular Men ~ And Boobs!

…. when I was able to sleep, that is.

I’m so freakin’ fired up about the NFL draft! The first round starts tonight at 8:00 pm EST on ESPN and the NFL Network, so pick your poison! Rounds two and three are tomorrow night starting at 7:00 pm EST, and rounds four through seven (hangover recovery day) are on Saturday, starting at noon EST.

Tonight, however, is the BIG night!  Tonight is the party for round one. My buddy, Chad, is having a bunch of us over to watch the first round in which the (hopefully) most promising players are picked. Everyone who will be in attendance tonight are fans of the Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills, or the Detroit Lions. Recently, the Browns have been the shittiest of the three teams, so us Browns fans have the most to gain tonight… potentially.

Before I get into football, I’ve gotta talk about the food tonight. My award winning chili was requested, as is the norm for the draft party! My middle daughter, Brookie, and I made it on Tuesday night.

It. Turned. Out. Absolutely. Perfect!

Contrary to what some people think, the chili is a big deal! It’s not just chili! It’s a culinary masterpiece that takes shape after no less than four hours of work; start to finish. I’m actually thinking of giving it a name other than “chili”, because it’s not like any chili out there.

WARNING: When working with ghost chilies, or any hot peppers for that matter, don’t assume that rinsing with hot water takes the “hot stuff” off your hands. I had to piss while the chili was simmering and, maybe a few minutes after I pissed, my penis became uncomfortably warm. Actually, it became painfully hot! After a few minutes of wondering why my junk was burning I was like, “AHHHHH the chilies!”

I believe Chad’s gonna make his gourmet burgers tonight. There will also be pizza & wings and stuffed hot peppers. And chips & dips. And lots of beer. Basically, the nutrition plan that I’ve been doing pretty well with the last couple weeks is gonna be put on the back burner tonight. No biggie; I’ll work it off.

DEAR GOD I hope the Browns select one of the dudes with their first pick that I want because I know, more than the coaches and front office guys, what an NFL team needs to succeed!

When I was able to sleep last night, I had dreams (and nightmares) about some of the Browns’ first round picks since they came back in ’99.

Being an “expansion team”, Cleveland was the recipient of the first overall pick in the ’99 draft. They selected quarterback, Tim Couch.

Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!!! Couch was NOT the biggest bust, as a #1 pick, in NFL history. He started the second game of his rookie season; behind a line that was about as good at protecting him as if it were me and four of my buddies. He was sacked 56 times in 14 starts in ’99, because of that shitty ass line.

Regardless, Tim Couch is the Browns’ all-time leader in pass completion percentage at 59.8%. Y’all ever hear of a dude named Eli Manning? His career completion percentage is 58.4%.

Still think Couch is a loser? Well here’s his wife, Playboy Playmate, Heather Kozar…

I rest my case….

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In ’00 the Browns had the #1 overall pick again because they sucked in ’99. With that first pick they chose defensive end, Courtney Brown.

He looked pretty good during his rookie year, with 70 tackles and 4.5 sacks. But then he turned into glass and suffered through injuries the remaining 6 years of his career. He was a bust! I saw him at Giant Eagle once buying cupcakes. That may have been a sign…

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With the 3rd overall pick in 2001, the Browns selected defensive end/tackle, Gerard “Big Money” Warren.

EWWWW... That's Butch Davis in the background...

Warren was actually a pretty decent player, but a high maintenance “thug” nonetheless. I just read a story about how Browns interim coach, Terry Robiskie, tried to get him on track. It’s actually a very touching article. Lots of stuff happened before Warren was traded that I didn’t know about. He ended up being, however, a low level bust!

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In 2002, the Browns had the 16th pick in the first round of the draft. They selected running back William Green.

Green had a lot of upside to him and did alright for some games and had an okay rookie season; but he really liked weed and drinking. During his second year he was busted for drunk driving and possession of weed. That got him a suspension during which his girlfriend stabbed him. He never really bounced back from all that stuff and, ultimately, ended up being yet another Browns first round bust.

Regardless of the issues that derailed his career, Green starred in one of the best Browns touchdowns in the history of Browns touchdowns thanks to the Browns radio guy, Jimmy Donovan.

I look up that video a few times a year. And when I do I watch it no less than half a dozen times. Every time I watch it I get chills… I’m just a stupid Browns fan.

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With the 21st pick in the 2003 draft, the Browns selected center, Jeff Faine.

I liked the guy. He didn’t suck, but he’s a center, so not a lot to talk about here.

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In the 2004 draft, with the sixth pick, the Browns went right to the military to draft a fuckin’ soldier/tight end! Kellen Winslow, Jr.

Dude was pretty much a trainwreck motorcycle accident walking rolling MRI from the start. He broke his leg during a special teams play in only his second game. The next year, in 2005, he wrecked his motorcycle while screwing around with it in a parking lot, tearing his ACL. Then he got a staph infection because Cleveland doesn’t hire maids to clean the facility.

To his credit, he came back healthy in ’06 & ’07 and kicked some ass. Then in ’08 he got another staph infection while changing his tampon, got into a pissing match with the Browns front office about staph infections and was traded away.

Winslow Jr. could’ve been one of the best TEs to play the game, were it not for the motorcycle accident; and his attitude…

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For the first round in the 2005 draft, the Browns picked wide receiver, Ru Paul Braylon Edwards.

I can’t believe what a whiny bitch that dude ended up being. I don’t even want to get into stats or anything specific. He was either really good or really bad. He caught a staph infection, too, at some point but could hardly seem to catch a football.

You "receive" the ball with your hands, not your belly, Braylon.

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For the 2006 Draft, the Browns had the 13th pick and selected defensive end, Kamerion Wimbley.

Dude came into the league and kicked ass his rookie season with 62 tackles, 11 sacks, 1 forced fumble and 1 fumble recovery! Unfortunately, he only had one silly spin move that he never tried to adjust when offensive tackles figured him out. so he ended up being a bust! For some reason, Wimbley always reminded me of the main gargoyle dude from that old “Gargoyles” movie…

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For 2007 the Browns had the third overall pick. They chose left tackle Joe Thomas.

Joe was fishing on draft day.

He may end up being the best offensive tackle to play the game. He’s an absolute stud! He’s a smart dude, a hell of a football player and I’ve heard he’s a really nice guy.

Woo hoo! SURPRISE!

The Browns pulled some trickery in the ’07 draft to get back into the first round so they could draft quarterback Brady Quinn at #22.

This is another Browns bust I don’t want to waste my time on talking about stats. He sucked! Big huge arms, but 2/5ths of a brain. The best quarterbacks in the NFL are anything but bulky and cut up. The only thing Quinn did that was any good was his girlfriend:

Alicia Sacramone

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The Browns had no 2008 first round pick because they traded it to get the terrible Brady Quinn in ’07.

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In 2009, Cleveland picked center, Alex Mack, with the 21st pick.

Mack, in my opinion, was a solid pick. Again, a center, so not much to say.

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For 2010, Cleveland had the 7th pick in the first round and selected future Hall of Fame cornerback, Joe Haden.

Great pick. Very smart, very fast, very physical… Love #23, though he’s not the toughest lookin’ fella without pads on.

But he sure does ball!!

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Last year, Cleveland had the 21st pick in the first round and selected defensive tackle, Phil Taylor.

I think Phil will end up being a stud. He’s made a difference so far and provided he doesn’t suffer an injury, he’ll only get better.

Sooooo…. there are all the Browns’ first round picks since ’99. Thirteen in all. Six of whom, in my opinion, were decent picks; though 1/2 of those guys are offensive linemen…

Let’s get a play maker today!!! So I don’t have to see more of this:

GO BROWNS!

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