In Which I Compare Apples to Oranges…

Everyone who knows me knows that I’m anti-NASCAR’s Danica Patrick. Is she good for the sport? ABSOLUTELY! Is she a good driver? Absolutely not!

She’s merely a marketing piece for stock car racing. She’s fully aware of this… Danica signed a major, multiyear, deal with GoDaddy as her sponsor. Were it not for the financial commitment of GoDaddy and a slew of other sponsors, she would already be out of NASCAR.

In 22 top level NASCAR races she’s averaged a 27th place finish… out of 43 drivers. That’s horrible!

In 115 Go Kart IndyCar races she did better, averaging an 11th place finish out of 30 or so “cars” and actually won 1 race… on fuel mileage. Ya know what that means? She just laid back and conserved fuel so she didn’t have to make a pit stop like the rest of the drivers at the end of the race. It’s still a win, though, I guess. So in an 8 year racing career she’s won 1 major race.

Yet the media calls her a “superstar.” She DOES have a “superstar” ass, however…

Don’t get me wrong…. her job isn’t easy by any means. There are only 50 or so people on this planet who are able to make it in NASCAR. I like to think I could wheel a Cup car pretty good, but who knows… I’d prolly crash just like Danica!

Currently, Danica is 30th in points in the Sprint Cup series….

People continue to rip NASCAR as not being a sport; it’s merely cars going in circles… A lot of people, some I know, can’t safely operate a regular street car, let alone an 800+ horsepower race car… so SHUT UP!

I’m gonna “switch gears” here a bit to talk about a real superstar… the NHRA’s Courtney force…

My girls: Courtney… Alexis

Courtney races a funny car Mustang that has a horsepower rating of 8,000 to 10,000!

The other day, my buddy at work implied that the NHRA is less of a sport than NASCAR because they race in a straight line and have no traffic to deal with…

I beg to differ, Frank…

That’s Courtney’s Dad, John, who got wrecked in the video… At around 300 miles an hour and under 4 seconds, John suffered a compound fracture of his left ankle, an abrasion to the bone of his right knee with tendon damage, a dislocated and broken left wrist and abrasions & broken fingers on his right hand…

There is a serious chance that drivers can die in drag racing…

I know… potential for injury is not what makes a sport a sport… but nobody has died from contact on the football field…

I get pissed because the media talks about Danica Patrick as a superstar while they largely ignore Courtney Force. Yes… NASCAR is much bigger than the NHRA so Danica will get more exposure…

But Courtney, who debuted in funny car last year, won her 16th event…

Mother, Laurie, and Dad, John with Courtney!

… Then she won this years first race. That’s two wins in 23 races!

Yet if you search “Courtney Force” on ESPN.com, you get 42 results. Search “Danica Patrick” and you get 4,919 results.

That’s bullshit, ESPN…

And Courtney is 7th in funny car points so far this year out of 27 drivers who have competed…

A Little Weekend Babbling…

I’m gonna make sure I set aside time for writing from here on out…

In the midst of multiple daughters’ softball games on Thursday, Friday and yesterday, I was able to sneak out Friday night and hang out with my buddy, Stevie, for a little bit. Stevie was in town from southern CA. He was pretty drunk but very direct. Told me that I need to keep writing because he enjoys my posts.

I like to hear that… I just figure that most of my readers just Google search “Jessica Biel’s ass” to get to my site…

…. and that’s all good because HOLY SHIT LOOGIT HER ASS… but I like to hear from real readers like Stevie… I didn’t know I had real readers…

So you wanna hear me bitch about stuff, Stevie, here I go…

My ex wife is in Chicago this weekend to visit the grave of her Mom’s deceased boyfriend gamble. No clue how much “disposable income” she dropped to “win” $800, but she certainly texted the stack of cash she won to my girls, who say there’s no food at that house…

Furthermore… on Thursday, the ex said she’d be able to pick up the girls at 5:00 today as per our regular schedule.

She called me around 2:00 to say they were getting ready to leave Chicago… which is 6 hours away…

Responsibility? Nope…

More later so stay tuned….

Public Humiliation Diet ~ Day 125 ~ A Milestone has been Reached!

Ah yes… the above burgers were for dinner yesterday! They’re fantastic, to say the least! The difference with me lately, is that I ate one.. instead of two, maybe 3!

I weighed in at 200 pounds this morning! That is very exciting as it has been my first official milestone!

What I’ve done thus far is just eat less. My next milestone is 180 pounds and won’t be achieved by just eating less…

Time to dust off the treadmill fatty!

Once I get to 180 pounds on diet and cardio… It’s time to hit the gym and work to add 15-20 pounds of muscle. This will be extremely difficult and more than likely will require HGH!

That said… once that goal is achieved I’ll be similar in shape to an NFL defensive back…

Only lighter skinned and with less tattoos…

LOOK OUT!

Related Posts:

Day 113 ~ 204 Lbs

Day 25 ~ 220 Lbs. via pizza rolls…

Day 5 ~ 225.4 Lbs. The nutrition plan…

Day 3 ~ 231.8 Lbs. WTF??

Day One ~ And so it begins ~ 226 Lbs.

Public Humiliation Diet ~ Day 113

Yeah… I’m still alive and For Shiggles continues to exist, just haven’t had much of a desire to write lately… I promise I’ll get back into it, however! I’m actually thinking about some stuff I wanna bitch about right now!

Anyway…. I’m still working on this weight loss thing though, admittedly, I’m only doing it right now by eating less… I can only imagine how much better I’d be doing had I spent 113 days on the treadmill, or running with Bernie outside…

Regardless, I remain successful! I weighed in at 204 this morning… 24 pounds to go!

Related Posts:

Day 25 ~ 220 Lbs. via pizza rolls…

Day 5 ~ 225.4 Lbs. The nutrition plan…

Day 3 ~ 231.8 Lbs. WTF??

Day One ~ And so it begins ~ 231 Lbs.

Navigating the road with other “Drivers”….

I consider myself an above average driver. In almost 24 years of driving I’ve lost control of my vehicle only twice; both times before the age of 18 and both times in this wonderful Ohio snow.

The first time, I think I was 16, I was driving my girlfriend home in a pretty good snowstorm and up ahead I saw what I thought was a raccoon or something… I swerved around it, it was actually a plastic bag, and the car turned sideways into a ditch…

The second time, and I believe it was only a few months later so maybe I was 17, my buddy Vince and I were coming back after tearing down the audio at the end of a wedding reception (Vince and I would help his girlfriend’s Dad, a DJ, set up his equipment before wedding receptions and then tear it down after) in a blizzard and I lost it in the snow, turning the front end of the car into the guardrail, effectively killing it!

Since then, all of my cars have been safe and uncrashed…. that includes an ’87 Mustang, a ’93 Mustang ragtop…

…a ’97 F-150, an ’01 Focus, an ’03 Taurus (man I miss my Fords!) and my current ’08 Jetta!

Nowadays, cruisin’ around town is basically an exercise in protecting my Jetta, and its contents, from idiotic drivers on the road! Here are some types of drivers that aggravate me the most… in no particular order…

1. What’s a Turn Signal? ~ These drivers are extremely dangerous! They’ll be driving ahead of me and, out of the blue, stab the brakes at a side street and turn! Every time, I’m like, “JESUS” and wanna chase ’em and wreck ’em! A variant of this type is the “late turn signal” driver. They’ll jam on the brakes, then hit the turn signal. I wanna hurt those ones too! What’s a Turn Signal?s also create mayhem where 4-way stop signs are involved.
2. Slow Poke ~ These are usually old people. They go 17 in a 35 zone and hit the brakes every 12 seconds for some reason. Slow Pokes are usually a polar opposite to What’s a Turn Signal?s as they’ll hit the turn signal about 3 miles before they actually turn!
3. The Accelerator ~ Grrrr… these ones really piss me off! They’re usually young punks in pimped out Asian cars. When turning onto a street, I see the oncoming car is about 300 feet away, so I turn in front of them… AND THEY ACCELERATE to ride up on my ass even though I turned with more than enough room! To combat those douchebags, oftentimes I’ll slow down and just let’em ride on my ass or, for even more fun, I’ll turn on my turn signal for a bit so they’ll fall back, then turn it off… Repeat… Repeat… A word of caution: NEVER brake check anyone, especially The Accelerator, because they’ll rear end you and ruin your shit!
4. The Brake Checker ~ This is usually The Accelerator drivin’ slow in their cheap ass slammed Civic, thinkin’ people are checkin’ it out, though it can even be a Slow Poke… either way, if ya get too close they stand on the brakes with both feet hoping you rear end ’em. I’ve never met a The Brake Checker I didn’t want to decapitate!
5. The Teenager ~ Need I say more? The only thing in their car they know how to operate is their cell phone.

That summarizes all the idiocy I encounter just driving around town… Once on the turnpike, the dynamic changes. See, I make pretty regular trips out to Hanover, PA, so I spend a lot of time on the Pennsylvania and Ohio turnpikes… Here are those offenders…

1. Holiday Drivers ~ These drivers have no clue. Left lane, center lane, right lane… it doesn’t matter! They’re all over the freakin’ highway, normally changing Spongebob Squarepants DVDs for their kids while not paying attention to the road. The only times I’ve seen accidents on the turnpikes is around a holiday. Go figure…
2. High Speed Lane Hoggers ~ These are the idiots who get in the left lane and set their cruise at the posted speed limit, which nobody adheres to! Holiday Drivers always do this because they don’t understand that whole “slower traffic stay to the right” thing. When it’s not a holiday, Michigan and Indiana drivers are the biggest offenders…
3. Low Speed Lane Hoggers ~ These fuckers hang in the right lane at about 140 miles an hour. They’re usually from The Accelerator crowd…
4. Drowsy Truck Drivers ~ Need I say more? These dudes are either extremely tired or gettin’ a blow job from the girl they picked up at the last rest stop. Either way, they drift off the side of the road and hit the rumble strips for a quarter mile; then wave at me when I accelerate past them!
5. Multiple Lane Changers ~ Drift across lanes with no apparent agenda! I’m actually one of these while avoiding all of the above…!
6. Those Not Ready to Pay their Toll ~ Holy shit, idiot… when you got on the turnpike, you received a ticket that said how much it would cost you to exit that turnpike. You knew 236 miles ago that you had to pay $21.15 to get off, yet you get to the toll booth and dig through your purse for 7 minutes to scrounge up the cash. Fuck you! You are wasting my very valuable time…

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something, but this is what I’ve got for now….

~ Until we meet again…

Hi-fi Friday ~ KISS!

My friends are prolly wondering why it took me so long to do a feature on KISS, as I’ve been a fan since I was like 10 years old thanks to my older sister, Michelle. She introduced me to KISS when she played Lick It Up for me way back then…

I liked the song quite a bit, then I saw the video…

… featuring hot women and I was hooked! Then I did my usual thing where I would look up the history of a band and found out that KISS not only wore tight jeans and weird outfits, but they also wore makeup too!

So I had to deal with the usual KISS shit… Knights (or Kings) In Satan’s Service. They’re gay. They’re evil. Whatever….

It’s a freakin’ band for Christ sake! They were are also one of the most powerful marketing machines on the planet! Actually, it’s the mind of Gene Simmons that made kiss blow up. Dude’s a freakin’ genius… literally!

Did you know that Gene and lead vocalist, Paul Stanley, have never messed with drugs or alcohol? That’s damn near unheard of in the music industry! But drugs and alcohol are why there’s been a revolving door at percussion and lead guitar with Peter Criss and Ace Frehley, respectively, leaving and rejoining the band occasionally. Those two are now gone, replaced by Eric Singer on drums and Tommy Thayer at lead guitar…

Now I can’t talk about KISS without mentioning Eric Carr. He became the drummer after Peter Criss left the band in 1980. In my opinion, Carr was the best drummer KISS ever had… Check out this drum solo from the Animalize tour in 1985…

Sadly, Eric Carr died 6 years later from a rare form of heart cancer. R.I.P. buddy…

So I essentially grew up with KISS… I enjoyed all their albums after hearing Lick It Up.

Animalize…

Asylum…

Crazy Nights… featuring this….

Hot in the Shade was fantastic…

But after Revenge came out in 1992, I went to go see KISS live for the first time ever. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to go to a concert until I was 18. Thanks, Mom!

This is what they did on stage…

Blew my mind! The rest of the show was fantastic, also!

Since that first show, I’ve seen them pretty much every time they’ve come to Cleveland. Hell I went to their convention tour back in 1995. That was a small KISS Konvention, maybe 300 people, in which they displayed a lot of their stage stuff from over the years, costumes and such. But the band also came out and played a 2 hour acoustic set! It was amazing! I even got an autograph from Gene Simmons!

Most recently, KISS toured with Motley Crue last year in what was called “The Tour.” I was there! And they were as good as they’ve ever been. Here’s a look at the beginning of their set in Houston…

~ Detroit Rock City ~

Hoo boy… that’s some good stuff! Can’t wait to see ’em next time they come around!

Enjoy your weekend, folks!

Sexy Saturday! Splish Splash I was takin’ a Bath…

I’ve heard on several occasions how fun shower sex is. A good way to multitask, perhaps? I tend to agree, though shower sex would prolly be much more fun with someone in there with me!

Now I’m not so sure about bathtub sex. It doesn’t seem to promote good hygiene, ya know, splashing around in a bunch of, well, suds!

The bathtub is a good environment, however, to utilize strategically placed bubbles in a seductive manner! Let’s take a look, shall we?

This is a good start! I like me some redhead…

… Oooh you’re gonna blow those bubbles at me? Keep going!

Ahhhhh! Then ya stand up and appear to be wearing a diaper! This is a bathtime fun fail! Too much bubbles girl! Let’s see how the professionals do it… Here’s Bree Olson..

Bree knows how to use just enough bubbles! Here she is applying them…

Like I said, a pro… literally!

Here’s another bathtime fun fail…

No bubbles, just unfortunately cloudy water. No smile… See what dating Chris Brown does to a girl…

The damn water is too cloudy to see her ass… and what the fuck happened to her hair? Holy shit, she needs more than a bath!

Here’s the proper way to present the ass in the tub, Rihanna…

Puh POW!

Even Mariah Carey fails at bubble bath etiquette…

Ya don’t bring the fuckin’ dog into the bath! That’s just gross…

Oh well… that’s about it for now… I gotta go take a quick shower anyway… So here’s a quick submission for the ladies and men who like men…

That’s Adam Pally, aka Max, of Happy Endings fame!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks!

Danica Said She Wasn’t That Tight Sunday ~ The Immature Giggled Uncontrollably!

Oh yes! I count myself as one of those immature NASCAR fans!

See, Danica, you sort of need to work on your post race/crash interviews and use the proper verbiage so those of us whose mentality can devolve to that of a 13 year old boy throughout the course of a race have nothing to pick on you for!

I actually felt bad for Danica Sunday at Phoenix. She never really ran well after struggling in practice and qualifying, but on lap 184, her right front tire blew causing the car to hit the wall hard, bouncing off of it and taking out David Ragan in the process…

… And then she said in the post crash interview, “I wasn’t that tight either….” I knew exactly what she was talking about but I giggled nonetheless!

Danica, you have to say THE CAR wasn’t that tight, dear! Thank God you didn’t merely describe yourself as loose!

~ NASCAR Lingo Time ~

“Tight” is a condition in which, as much as a driver tries to turn, the car doesn’t want to. The opposite of “tight” is, in fact, “loose” and means the car turns fine, too much actually, and feels like the ass end is gonna come around into a spin…

What happened to Danica Sunday happens to a lot of rookie drivers (and veterans, too, who have ill handling cars)… She wasn’t comfortable with the way her car was handling, so she pushed it on the straightaways and punished the brakes in the corners. This type of driving causes the brakes to get extremely hot and, ultimately, melt the tire right off the rim. That’s what happened to Danica, and coincidentally, her teammate Ryan Newman. Who knows, maybe Danica’s car had the same setup under it as Newman.

Anyway… the crash relegated Danica to a 39th (of 43) place finish. Not too good after her “historical” 8th place finish at Daytona just a week before.

Oh and guess what? I switched drivers this year, dumping Carl Edwards to follow Brad Keselowski in the Miller Lite Ford. So of course, Edwards won the race in dominating fashion after leading 122 laps…

… and that’s his post race back flip! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Edwards… I’ve just moved on to a more exciting race car driver in Brad!

Sexy Saturday ~ NASCAR Edition!

The NASCAR theme continues here at For Shiggles with the Daytona 500 only 24 hours away!

To dispel the myth that NASCAR is comprised of individuals who are regularly featured at http://www.peopleofwalmart.com, let’s take a look at some of the wives and girlfriends of the drivers, shall we?

Let’s start with the most notorious publicized, Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s girlfriend, fellow driver and pole sitter for tomorrow’s race, Danica Patrick!

Danica has spent more time in front of a camera than she has on the lead lap!

Who wants to bet she’s involved in a wreck tomorrow within the first 5 laps?

Jeff Gordon has a knack for scoring serious tail! Here he is pictured with his first wife, Brooke…

And after Brooke divorced him for being too short, he moved on to the taller, model-y-er Ingrid Vandebosch…

Alright… how about something a bit more sexy, Ingrid, and with less Jeff…

That’s more like it!!

Now Kyle Busch is a fantastic race car driver, but a huge dork! He does pretty well in the girly department…

That’s Kyle and his wife Samantha… Check out how nicely she cleans up!

Hoo boy!

Here’s Denny Hamlin and his girlfriend, Jordan Fish..

Jordan is a former Charlotte Bobcats cheerleader, so…

… she’s pretty hot too!

Carl Edwards is married to Dr. Kate Downey…

Yes, Kate’s a doctor. And a hot doctor at that! So he prolly doesn’t miss his ex-girlfriend, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard…

I saved the best for last here, folks! AJ Allmendinger used to be a NASCAR driver, but he got busted for failing a drug test last year. Turns out it was Adderall, and he went through the drug program to get reinstated and WAS reinstated, but I don’t believe he’s racing in NASCAR this year… here’s a shot of him and his wife, Lynne Kushnirenko..

And here’s more Lynne….

Damn!

Well I got nothin’ for the ladies… actually… here’s Jeff Gordon at the beach…

… There ya go for all you Hobbit fans!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks!

Found a New Place to Hang Out at Last Saturday!

Last Saturday, Frank The Mayor of Funtown, his girlfriend The First Lady Tonya (sorry… y’all ain’t married…yet!) and I went to see David Allan Coe at Thirsty Cowboy in Medina.

When we arrived, Frank dropped Tonya off at the front door and then we went to park the car. While walking to the bar, we walked past D.A.C.’s tour bus… and he was SITTING RIGHT THERE… front of the bus…. head down, not moving! Dude’s old, 74… so we wondered if he was dead or just sleeping… Turns out he clearly wasn’t dead!

Sorry ’bout the shitty video quality, but the red lights didn’t play nice with my phone. The audio’s pretty good…

And holy shit Thirsty Cowboy is awesome! The place is HUGE and has a couple bars… Then there’s an entire section dedicated to line dancing, which I didn’t try Saturday but plan on trying pretty soon! They have line dancing classes on Wednesdays and I think I’m gonna do it! They also have a mechanical bull!

I told Frank I wanna go there every night!

D.A.C. only played for about an hour, which was a little disappointing but, again, he’s older than dirt! He certainly didn’t slow down the entire hour! Here’s some of the Rebel Meets Rebel stuff I mentioned last week, sans Pantera of course…

… And dammit, I was buying beers when he started playing You Never Even Call Me by My Name, so I caught the tail end of it and some other great stuff… Check it out!

Oh… and some of the other patrons cracked me up! I cannot believe this dude’s jeans were so tight!

Dude’s on the right!

Yes… I photographed a guy’s ass, but damn it just ain’t right to wear jeans that tight! It’s gonna be tough for me to fit in at Thirsty Cowboy, because I’m also lacking cowboy boots with fucking spurs!

Again… dude’s on the right!

I don’t really anticipate fitting in… so I’ll just stand out!

OH! And that mechanical bull I mentioned? I pussed out, but Frank took a stab at it!

… next time, Frank’s gonna try it before drinkin’! I’m gonna give it a shot, also!