Sexy Saturday ~ Browns Cheerleaders Edition!

Reader, Elaine, told me that I should bring back Sexy Saturday, so here we go…

There are 26 teams in the NFL that have cheerleading squads. That means six unlucky teams don’t have squads… those teams are the Bears, Lions, Packers, Giants, Steelers and of course the Cleveland Browns!

Back in July, the Browns announced they’re going to enhance the gameday experience in and around FirstEnergy Stadium. My first thought was, “Yay, cheerleaders!” Boy was I wrong! What was one of their ideas? A freakin’ drumline. Yeah… a bunch of dorks playng drums. Oh yeah, we’re also gonna get some kick ass score boards and a new sound system!

But why not cheerleaders? When there’s a shitty team on the field, the next best thing to watch would be a bunch of tits and asses bouncing around near the 30 yard line! Hell, the worst team in the NFL, the Houston Texans, have cheerleaders…

… Well, it’s too cold here in the Cleveland area so don’t expect to see cheerleaders any time soon.

In the meantime, I’m going to assemble my Cleveland Browns Fantasy Cheerleading Squad!

The obvious first choice would be Hayden Panettiere…

… not only does Hayden have cheerleading experience, she was also the captain at Pacific Vista High School…

She would be the captain for the Browns cheerleaders too!

My next choice would be Mrs. Timberlake Jessica Biel!

She’s beau-ti-ful! Here’s a little known Jessica Biel fact: She was featured in the video for Aerosmith’s 2001 ballad Fly Away from Here. Check it out:

And loogit her ass!

Who’s next? Oh yeah, MMA cage girl Jennifer Swift.

Unfortunately, Ms. Swift is a Giants fan…

… but I won’t hold that against her because of…

… Hoo boy, loogit her ass! She’s not just a perfect ass pretty face, however… Jennifer Swift has helped me with a couple causes the last couple years and for that I’m thankful!

I would also like to have singer/songwriter Skylar Grey as a Browns cheerleader…

Skylar is not only gorgeous, but extremely talented! Eminem has a huge hit titled Love The Way You Lie. The song and accompanying video feature that idiot Rihanna… Skylar Grey wrote that shit, however… Check out Love The Way You Lie at the 2:55 mark…

A still shot from the same performance…

I don’t know who this woman is, but she’s hired!

I looked her up, her name is Anais Zanotti and she seems to have a nice personality!

I would also include Sarah Hyland, who plays big sis Haley Dunphy on Modern Family…

She’s kinda okay… right?

Since I’m on Modern Family, how could I not include the stunning and hilarious Sofia Vergara?

That’s stunning and so is this…

… and this is hilarious!

Last, and definitely not least, I want Emily Ratajkowski shakin’ it for the Browns…

… she looks great from both sides…

… and also knows how to dance as evidenced in this Robin Thicke video titled Blurred Lines…

That completes my Cleveland Browns Fantasy Cheerleading Squad! I’m gonna send a copy of this to the Browns front office, hoping they’ll consider cheerleaders some time soon!

For the ladies and men who like men, here’s Cleveland’s stud TE Jordan Cameron looking quite dreamy…

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks!

Monday Moanin’ ~ Browns 24, Ravens 18

Man… First play from scrimmage and the Browns offensive line (Lauvao & Schwartz I’m talkin’ to you!) goes porous, allowing a Baltimore sack for a five yard loss on Jason Campbell…

Here we go again… This game is gonna suck…

That first drive ended, unsurprisingly, in a three and out. Baltimore goes three and out on their first drive, however, with Buster Skrine inadvertently busting up a deep pass from Flacco on 3rd and 5.

Ravens punt…

Browns QB Campbell then puts together a nice 8 play 80 yard drive, resulting in a short TD to last week’s goat, Davone Bess. Remarkable on that drive were a nice catch in traffic by Greg Fucking Little who ran well after the catch for 32 yards, and a beautiful throw from Campbell to Josh Gordon for 27 more. Oh yeah… we also have a bad ass coach in Rob Chudzinski who isn’t afraid to play football on 4th down. That short TD to Bess was on 4th and 1 from Baltimore’s 1. Why kick field goals when ya can score TDs? Nice job of holding onto the ball, by the way, Davone!

Browns up 7-0! At this point, Jason Campbell has gone 5 of 7 for 68 yards and a TD!

Baltimore returns fire with a long drive of their own, resulting in a 51 yard field goal. 7-3 Browns!

Then it got scary…

On the third play of the Browns third drive, Campbell was sacked again, but Raven’s 6’4″ 340 pound Haloti Ngata landed on him at the end of the play, essentially smashing him! Campbell was replaced by Brandon Fucking Weeden at QB…

I do not boo players; it’s disrespectful. Brandon Weeden was booed as he took the field and I disagree with that. Browns fans need to support the team on the field. Anyway, Weeden derped around for a few plays and we had to punt…

Thankfully, Campbell returned to the game after Baltimore went three and out again…

Alright, no more play by play.

After Campbell’s return, he went 18 of 28 for another 194 yards and two more touchdowns; with bruised ribs, no less. I respect that toughness!

Cleveland’s defense was, once again, BAD ASS as we sacked Flacco 5 times… three times forcing punts! We also shut down Ravens RB Ray Rice which is great, though it helped me to lose at fantasy football this week!

I was hoping to see big games from WR Gordon and TE Cameron; assuming great production from them would result in a Browns win… funny how football works, those dudes get covered up and Greg Little & Davone Bess have great games… That just means Cleveland is doing some stuff right!

Just sucks that Cleveland is off this week! Oh well… I’m a Ravens fan for the next 6 days… more on that later…!

GO BROWNS!

 

Already Freakin’ Out about Tomorrow ~ Ravens at Browns!

I failed to do my Monday moanin’ after the Browns lost to the Chiefs 23-17 last week. Here’s a quick recap:

in the first 26:24 of that game, Cleveland’s offense had the ball for 3 “drives,” 9 plays, 5:21, 13 yards and 0 points.

Meanwhile our defense, which I believe is the strength of this team, gave up 43 plays, 21:03, 212 yards and 13 points in four Chiefs drives.

Browns QB Jason Campbell came in a bit rusty, which was expected.

The second half was much better. The defense was STOUT and sacked Chiefs QB Alex Smith 5 times. Jason Campbell got in a rhythm and was pretty efficient.

None of that mattered because Browns WR Davone Bess played. And played poorly.

Dude lost the game for us because of a couple key dropped passes and the above muffed punt; that crushed all of our momentum. Fuck that guy!

Cleveland played Baltimore in week 2 and lost 14-6. It was a different Browns team then. Brandon Fucking Weeden was at QB and, though he wasn’t horrible, couldn’t make the plays to get a win. The defense did their job pretty well, keeping Baltimore scoreless in the first half. Unfortunately, after punts and 3 and outs in the second half, the defense got tired and allowed a couple TDs which put us away.

Tomorrow, QB Jason Campbell will be running the offense AND he’ll have WR Josh Gordon, who was suspended in week two. Speaking of Josh Gordon, loogit what he did to his Porsche Panamera…

… dear God that thing looks horrible! I guess he went with the camouflage look so the cops wont see him since he has trouble driving properly!

Anyway, having Gordon in the game tomorrow will open things up for Jason Campbell. Hopefully. Campbell also needs to use TE Jordon Cameron a lot. If Cameron and Gordon have big games I believe we have a legitimate shot at this one. Try and balance things out and run the ball some, too!

I wanna see the defense be aggressive, like coordinator Ray Horton promised! If they play the way they did in the second half against the Chiefs and pressure Joe Flacco, I think they can turn him into a pick machine! Future Hall of Fame CB Joe Haden needs his first pick six!

Here’s the part that really sucks! I have Ravens RB Ray Rice on my fantasy team. Dude says he feels the best he has this season after being dinged up a lot. He needs to have a huge game tomorrow for me to win this week… but the Browns need to stop him so they can win! UGH!

This is a big game for Cleveland. A win over Baltimore will put us in second place in the AFC North!

GO BROWNS!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks!

 

Going to Browns Training Camp Today!

I got sorta sidetracked yesterday when I sat down to write about Thursday’s preseason game between the Browns and Rams. I wanted to compare what I was looking for to what actually happened.

So here goes…

QB Brandon Weeden looked really good! Yeah… he looked at his receivers, but he didn’t stare ’em down and telegraph his passes. He went 10 of 13 for 112 yards and led two scoring drives. The first was a field goal and the second was a 2 yard touchdown bullet to Dion Lewis.

TE Jordan Cameron was 50/50 Weeden threw a bullet to him that he deflected straight in the air… thankfully WR Greg Little was there to grab the pass. Cameron redeemed himself, however, after grabbing a short pass and turning upfield for 30 yards; helping to set up a touchdown a few plays later.

That touchdown was the aforementioned 2 yard bullet to RB Dion Lewis. I believe we ripped off the Eagles to get this kid! From a running standpoint, he wasn’t very impressive but, remember, the Browns were using a very limited playbook and ran him between the tackles, so he only had like 12 yards off 5 carries. On special teams, he had a 31 yard kickoff return, and he had a few nice catches out of the backfield, one being the TD. He’s gonna be a great RB2 behind Trent Richardson!

Little guy WR Travis Benjamin was limited to a 12 yard catch from backup QB Campbell in the second quarter. Prior to that, though, he had a nice 91 yard punt return for a TD.

On defense… Nothing really noteworthy here, except that our defense is awesome! Mind you, defensive coordinator kept up the pressure and didn’t even show the new 3-4 that much.

Rookie OLB Barkevious Mingo…

… is gonna be an absolute stud! He’s fast, smart and strong! He had a special teams tackle and a sack that was nullified by a penalty… but dude’s all over the field and will be a nice backup behind my boy, Jabaal Sheard…

Jabaal seems to have nicely made the transition from defensive end to outside linebacker in this new 3-4!

Overall, I was really impressed with this team, even though it was only a practice game against what appeared to be a horrible Rams team. We’ll see what happens this Thursday when the Lions come to town.

One thing I did hear about was QB1 Brandon Weeden’s post game interview. He said, “The communication was clear…” Ya know what that means? Pat Fucking Shurmer is gone and Norv Turner is a competent offensive coordinator! I like to hear that shit!

Anyway… I’m going to training camp in a couple hours to see for myself what’s going on in Berea. I’m pretty excited to go see some Browns practice!

Expect an update soon!

What to Watch for Tonight! Rams at Browns! And some Notes to Stupid Fans!

Woo hoo! My beloved Cleveland Browns have their first preseason game tonight! The St. Louis Rams are in town! Here are some things I’m gonna look for.

NOTE to stupid fans: Last year means nothing! We have a new, impressive coaching staff! Coach Pat Fucking Shurmer…

…. is gone! He’s gone 430 miles east to fuck up the Eagles as their offensive coordinator.

Shurmer has been replaced by Rob Chudzinski at head coach. Chud is from this area and is a huge fan! This is important! If you’re concerned about his resume, just look at what he did with Cam Newton in Carolina.

Also gone from last year… Defensive coordinator Dick Jauron… Our defense sucked and it was his fault running that bend but don’t break, boring ass, passive 4-3 defense….

In his place, we have Ray Horton…

Ray brings an aggressive, pass rushing 3-4 defensive scheme to Cleveland! I’m truly excited about that.

I guess Brad Childress was our offensive coordinator last year, but it didn’t matter because Shurmer was in charge. Ya know, I can’t wait to see the footage of Chip Kelly punching Shurmer on the sideline!

Anyway, Childress was replaced by Norv Turner at offensive coordinator….

I noticed that Norv yells quit a bit at practice. This is a good thing folks! Norv wants to run a vertical passing game. Look up Phillip Rivers if you don’t believe me! God I hope that works… That dink and dunk shit pisses me off!

Here’s what I’m gonna watch for tonight! Remember, this is a preseason game… starters will prolly only play the 1st quarter.

1.) I don’t wanna see QB Brandon Weeden staring down receivers and patting the ball. If he gets a ball batted down I’m prolly gonna go off.. But Weeden’s my dude, I think he’s gonna do well in a Norv Turner offense!

NOTE to stupid fans: If Weeden doesn’t look that great and QB2 Jason Campbell looks alright against St. Louis’ second string, I don’t wanna hear shit about a QB controversy… not this year. Weeden’s gotta settle into this system.

2.) TE Jordan Cameron… will he be a factor? Norv knows tight ends… look up Antonio Gates if you don’t believe me…

3.) RB Dion Lewis. Little guy running back. Will he be a badass? Who knows little guy running backs? Norv! Look up Darren Sproles if ya don’t believe me!

4.) Little guy WR, Travis Benjamin… I’ve had my eye on this kid, and I think with a competent coaching staff he could have a breakout year! I think he’ll be the next DeSean Jackson (Eagles) without the diva! He’s also gonna be a punt returner, but damn he’s little… let’s hope he stays healthy!

NOTE to stupid fans: Remember this is a new coaching staff and a new offense… installing this stuff takes time! If you expect everything to be perfect tonight you’re a dumbass!

5.) On to defense! I believe our D line is gonna be tough…

… Phil Taylor. Enough Said!

6.) Bark Mingo at linebacker! I think this dude will eventually be a badass, too! As far as starters go… I wanna see what OLB Jabaal Sheard can do. I’ve liked that kid since day 1!

7.) Buster Skrine at CB. Dude, don’t fuck up!

NOTE to stupid fans: This is a totally new defense! It takes time to make a switch from a 4-3 to a 3-4. Shit could be tough tonight because of that! Or maybe not… I think our D is pretty tough!

Anyway…. kickoff is in a few minutes, so let’s see what happens!

 

Woo Hoo! Browns 2013 Training Camp has Begun!

FINALLY… I’m getting real football news via twitter! Cleveland started training camp Thursday! I was complaining that all the practices are at 4:00, but I’m beginning to think that’s an ideal time!

On any given day at work, I’ve made most of my calls by 4:00 pm, so I feel less guilty firing up Twitter then.

I want to get my pre-season thoughts and player projections out there now and in the next few days. I’m even gonna predict our record! Guess I’ve got my sassy pants on right now, folks!

Anyway… here we go!

~ Overall Training Camp Thoughts ~

I believe training camp has become a sissyfest. Whenever a union is involved, the product becomes diluted. Such is the case with the NFL. All the players are union workers under the NFL Players Association (NFLPA). Well, under the collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and the league, the number of practices, intensity of practices (ie. pads & contact) and length of practices have been defined…

BASICALLY… high school football players now practice more and harder than NFL players. High school has two-a-days… mostly in full pads… Cleveland doesn’t! NFL teams can’t because of the CBA! That’s bullshit! I believe, at the very least, if you play football at any level you should practice all the time and wear pads at all times… just to get the feel of them and get used to the extra weight. Ya don’t necessarily have to go maximum speed with full contact!

But the players union limits the amount of contact in training camp. I believe that promotes injuries in the pre-season and regular season games… I’m just a software salesman, however, so what do I know?

~ Pre-Season Thoughts… Who To Watch For on Offense ~

Running back Trent Richardson…

I’ve heard too many calling this guy fragile… C’mon people… dude was a rookie last year, had his knee scoped before the pre-season and as soon as he recovered from that, got multiple ribs busted early on in the regular season… he still ran for 950 yards and 11 touchdowns; had another 367 receiving yards and a TD.

Also remember who was calling the plays for Trent… Pat Fucking Shurmer! He ran Trent up the middle like 70% of the time. Running backs gain yards in space and up the middle is not in space…

I figure T-Rich will run for around 1,500 yards this year and cross the goal line 17 times… He’s also gonna catch the ball out of the backfield to the tune of another 600 yards and 5 TDs…

Quarterback Brandon Weeden…

I’m a Brandon Weeden fan. I don’t miss Colt McCoy and I don’t believe Jason Campbell is an answer for us.

See, the same dolt who screwed up T-Rich by running him up the middle, Pat Fucking Shurmer, used Weeden improperly last year. When Weeden was breaking records at Oklahome State, he was doing it from the shotgun… like 125% of the time.

In today’s NFL, most QBs are working out of the shotgun… almost 70% of the time. Last year, Weeden was in the shotgun only 40% of the time. That’s damn near least in the league.

That’s all about to change since the Browns hired Norv Turner as their offensive coordinator. Norv and head coach Rob Chudzinski are installing a shotgun offense as we speak!

I see Weeden throwing for close to 5,000 yards this season. 30 touchdowns isn’t unrealistic at all, in my opinion.

Tight end Jordan Cameron…

Tight end is yet another position that Pat Fucking Shurmer didn’t comprehend. Jordan Cameron had 20 receptions for 226 yards and a single touchdown in 14 games last year. Horrible!

Norv Turner knows tight ends. Anybody ever hear of Antonio Gates? At 6’5″ Cameron is an inch taller and a bit lighter. He’ll break out big time this season under the new offense!

I can see him catching 50 passes for around 600 yards this season… 7 touchdowns isn’t out of the question.

Wide receiver Travis Benjamin…

Travis is my “little guy” pick to have a breakout season this year! He’s 5’10 and 174 pounds… and the fastest player on the team. He’s like Philly’s DeSean Jackson, only without the diva. Again, he will benefit from Turner and Chudzinski’s vertical passing game. As long as he doesn’t get bumped crushed at the line of scrimmage by a bigger cornerback and gets some separation, dude’s gonna be dangerous. Fun Travis Benjamin fact: He missed a couple games last year and was listed on the injury report having “general soreness.” That’s a little guy problem… hope he stays healthy this year!

Talking about the offensive line is boring… but future Hall of Fame left tackle Joe Thomas returns to protect Weeden’s blind side. As does Alex Mack at center. I hope the rest of the 6’3″ plus 300 pounders do their jobs to create a clean pocket so Weeden can throw some bombs!

Next time we meet… DEFENSE!